[ he'd texted leo earlier letting him know he'd be stopping by to pick up ajisai-tan, given he... he can actually have her now, instead of having her be babysat by his older brother. it's been months since he was promised her, and he's come to visit from time to time so that she'd recognize him...♪
but, mm.
after last month... after a lot of things...
tsukasa hesitates outside, fist resting on the door. he hasn't knocked yet, and given the questions mulling about in his mind, in his stomach, he doesn't know if he wants to. but!! ajisai is just past there, in the apartment, so... he drums his knuckles on the door, raising his voice a little. ]
[leo'd prepped her up for travel, tying a cute blue bow around her neck after she and alexander had played (gently, gently), and hearing tsukasa's voice lightens the poor mood he's been in since august; he swings over to the door, opening it without hesitation, and throws his arms around tsukasa.]
Tsuka, your favorite older brother's happy to see you..♪ Aji-tan is too, she's been wa~iting for you to come by. ♪
[the cat meows in agreement, padding over with her tail raised. alexander watches with interest, standing with a stretch, mouth widening in a yawn.]
Even Alex-tan's interested~. Come in, come in, I'll get some snacks~.
[because ever since he's started coming around to stay (not just by miai's request, he's been doing in every now and then for a week before that), there's been a little extra this and that. leo's picked up things for himself too.]
look me in the eye and tell me this isn't the day leo dIES
[ uwah— tsukasa's arms fly up at the hug, and after a moment he... returns it, pressing his face into leo's shoulder. ahhh, even if he's angry, even if he's upset, it's so nice to hear he's loved like this.
and uuu, alex-tan... right....... that lion of his............. ]
Ummm, sure... [ he'll separate himself from leo then, nudging past him to scoop up ajisai and cuddle her in greeting (♪) before he gives a bow to alexander. ] It's nice to see you, Alex-tan.
Anywhere~. Except Alex-tan's special pile of pillows, that's lions only.
[... which means it's reserved for him too. as leo. he shuts the door, skipping to the kitchen area to get some snacks for all four of them (larger cuts of beef for alex, sashimi for ajisai, chips for him and tsukasa). wherever tsukasa lands he will too, making sure to give the lion his share and some cuddles.
(leo's so natural about it. playing with a lion.)]
How's it been, Tsuka? Been keepin' busy? I barely see you nowadays~. It makes me lonely, you know?
[ he'll sit on the couch then, setting ajisai on the arm of it and scratching behind her ear as he waits. alexander's getting a bit of a wary look, but he's always seemed tame, even if he's. a lion. and leo's so comfortable playing with him. he hums mid-chip, watching ajisai jump down to eat her sashimi on the ground. ]
Mmmhmm, it's been hard. There was the funeral and everyone coming to give their condolences, and then there was, you know, the whole bodyswapping thing... Then I had to be on my best, best behavior to get them to agree to me staying with Miisan in the first place, and a lot of convincing with how it's worked out for Daipai... And then art club had a bi~g cooking party at Izutan's place. And I had to get stuff ready for school too, since it's starting up again this month. [ ...and otherwise, he's been stalling. mmm. ] Sorry, niisan. I thought you would've been pretty busy too...?
[... mmm. tsukasa's really grown up, huh... being so busy. leo's smile softens as he listens, remembering how busy he'd been at that age himself.]
Well, I've been here and there, let's say that.
[bodyswaps, sharing memories, spending time with... with miai, in a better way. he shrugs, stretching his legs out and leaning back against the cushions. there's. stuff, too, that he's been dealing with as a whole, but. not the topic of the day.]
Not too busy, but not stagnant. Sort of... been sorting myself out. Lookin' forward to all the drunk college kids comin' into my shop for mistakes though. ♪
[ he fidgets with the chips, leaning back, too. not taking up as much space as leo, but.
he doesn't know how to bring this up. casually? demanding? his brother's been sorting himself out, so maybe he'd have some good answers for him. maybe things would be okay. if he's soft, then be soft with him... tsukasa exhales softly, watching alexander. ]
...Leonii, me and Miisan talked a little last month. [ well, obviously, but. ] About you.
If it helps, it was kind of, um... incidental. Accidental. [ yeah, better word. ] And I wanted some advice.
[ fidget, fidget. mmm. ]
...When you fought with our parents, I didn't really go back to Baba. [ carefully said. ] I wanted to, but I wanted to be there to support you, too. I didn't want to run away, and...
[ he heard. his lips press together firmly, eyes stinging slightly from how hard he's staring ahead. ]
...Why did you lie to me, niisan? [ wavering, a little. ] And how many other people knew you were in Recollé for so long? Miai already fessed up and apologized— Leonii, I wanted to see you for so long, and you just pretended like you were thousands of miles away. Why? How could you be so cruel to your own brother? Do you know how much it hurt to hear what you told our parents?
[... ah. he knows it before tsukasa even asks, before his brother goes on and on, and what appetite he had, what joy, diminishes. alex watches them, keeping an eye on leo; leo's smile wavers and then falls, unsure of how to begin.
another thing he should've talked about. god grant him strength, he needs to change.]
That's... Tsuka, you see, I...
[ah. mm. what wouldn't sound like an excuse? what would be good enough? the full truth, right? what he'd confessed to nazuna, to kuro, to mitzy and miai..?
he swallows hard. keeps his hands to himself, even if he'd like to hug him.]
Not everyone knew. Miai did, Nazu did, Kuro did... Rittsu too, but he didn't connect the two of us. I've always been Tsukinaga to most of them. Kuro's the only one that ever knew me as a Suzakura. I asked them not to say anything either.
[... mitzy knew too, but that was later on..? should he count that?]
I'm sorry, Tsuka. [weak. he doesn't want to break in front of his little brother, he wants to be strong. he has to be. even now, right?] I didn't mean to keep it from you for so long. It just... ended up that way.
[he. answered like one question. he figures most of it is rhetorical (of course he knows how much it hurts, of course he knows he was cruel).]
[ kuro, he figured. nazuna stings a little, and ritsu can be forgiven, somewhat. only somewhat. ]
You could've said something at any time. [ "it just ended up that way" is so weak as an excuse, just like leo's voice. tsukasa hunches his shoulders, determined not to cry, either, but— ] Wh-when you came back, you could've, and I would've been able to keep it a secret! I-I've done that the past couple of months, right...? An— and then I wouldn't have been so lonely, and I wouldn't feel so bad for forgetting I had you be-because you weren't around—
[ determined not to cry, but it's coming out anyway, in his voice and in the fat drops that drip off his chin. ]
You could've seen Baba more! [ his voice cracks in the middle, timed with his turning to him, ] She would've been so happy, Leonii! You could've made her last few years worth it, instead of leaving it to your stupid, naive, not-good-enough little brother! I-it was always Leo this and Leo that when we talked, because she missed you! An-and I did too, so I didn't mind, b-b-but—
[ but, you know, sometimes, it'd be nice to talk without talking about leo. ]
It isn't fair! You're not fair! Leonii, I'm so... [ a little sob. ] Niiisan, you wanna know the truth? I've resented you for leaving me—us—for the past two, three years! When I realized you weren't coming back, and you were leaving me to our parents, an-and what that meant, when we heard you'd been cut out of the family tree for good...
[ ...
he slumps against the arm of the couch, shoulders shaking. his brother has such a soft heart; it's something they share, and he's just tearing it apart when he's tearing his own. but he wants him to hurt the same way he hurt, he wants... ugh, he's so mean. he's a terrible person...
no, he's human. sorry, miai. ]
「...I don't hate you,」 [ he feels he has to clarify this, somewhat muffled, language switched. ] 「Please don't think I do, Leonii. I'm just... I hate what you did.」
[he's quiet, quiet, each word, tear, sob a miniscule laceration of his heart; he swallows the pain, lets it fester, because he deserves this. he deserves all of that and tsukasa's hatred, which he wants directed at himself-- why was tsukasa so kind, yet so cruel, not giving leo the punishment he felt he deserved?
(a ah,
he gets it, now. rosetis's teachings. miai's desires.)
leo's hands hesitate, unsure if tsukasa wants to be touched, and then they wrap around his brother, forcing him away from the arm, forcing him into his arms. he can feel the heat from tsukasa's pain against his chest as much as he can within it, and he rubs slow, soothing circles against his back, just the way he used to. the way baba did.]
「I wish you did,」 [softly,] 「you're more than I deserve.」
[he can forgive tsukasa's harshness, because it's true. because he understands not being enough. because it must've been terrible, compared to a ghost by baba, by their parents, whether they meant to or not; leo takes every piece of hatred and anger, laces it with regret, and digs it like a dulled knife into his heart.
he'll carry it, he will. it's only right.]
「I... mm. I don't have an excuse, Tsuka, because you're right. I could've, and I didn't. It's not that I didn't trust you, I promise, I just...」
[... it was nice to be free of everything for a little while longer. "i'll tell him tomorrow" turned into weeks, months, and finally years; he thinks of his relationship with miai and knows that they would've played the same game as they had in japan, if leo had travelled with him, if miai had stayed. it might've been better in outcome, but
it probably would've been like this. no, it had been, the memory of his texts far too fresh for it being months ago.]
「... I... was scared. Of coming back completely. Of you knowing I was around, of being able to see Baba again.」 [a start, soft to keep from cracking.] 「I'm terrified of our parents. There... was nothing worse to me than the thought of going home, whether to see you or Baba, because they'd be there too. In person, in memory...
... So instead, I hid. I cowered after I'd run away, tucked my tail between my legs, and pretended it was fine. It wouldn't come out how long I'd been back, so it was fine. That time got longer and longer though, from the couple months I'd decided to tell you at, and suddenly it was too late.」
[he'd had plenty of distractions on the way. things he decided were more preferable than. that. not more important, just. procrastinating.]
「You don't have to believe me,」[he's trembling, the circles stuttered as his voice, ] 「but I really do love you, Tsuka. My precious little brother. I've never hated you, not a day in my life -- you've been a light since the day you were born, you know? So it wasn't out of hate I stayed away, it wasn't because I didn't love you-- I missed you every day in Japan, when I returned here too, because you were there but you weren't, so close and just out of reach.
My fault.
I'm sorry, Tsuka. You deserved a lot better, from someone a lot better, but the truth is that I'm not and I... never have been, to anyone.」
[ tsukasa resists a little, but i wish you did, you're more than i deserve has him shaking his head against his brother's chest, hiccuping softly.
he doesn't interrupt the explanation, brow pressing together tight enough to give him a headache (not that the crying is helping, with that). when leo starts to tremble, tsukasa wraps his arms around him, squeezing him tightly. maybe he does deserve better, did deserve better, but leo's the only brother he has. the only brother he wants. ]
「We're both cowards.」[ tsukasa can't tell anyone how he feels without being too scared it'll change something irreparably, after all. even this was hard to do, despite the ease with which it came out. he buries his face into leo's shoulder, swallowing hard. ] 「I... had questions, and doubts, too. Months ago. I wanted to believe you though, s-so I just shoved those as-aside, because I thought— if you had anything to say, y-you'd say it. And I...
I didn't like doubting you.」[ he didn't want to question him. he wanted to believe, badly, that his brother would talk to him, but he didn't. tsukasa was stupid: it isn't like leo ever told him anything before, either. but he'd been younger, and he's still young, but he isn't so young that he can't get things now—
maybe that's their failing. the years between them are too great, even though tsukasa's always felt like they were closer. the breaths he takes are shuddering softly, in time with the rest of him. he doesn't have to be mature here; no one's going to fault him for still reacting childishly, for wanting to just be angry, but leo's about to cry, and tsukasa is so, so soft.
and he loves his brother. despite everything, leo is still someone he wants to admire, look to as a role model. maybe more for "what not to do" right now, but... he wants to believe that leo loves him, too. that he's telling the truth, even if something in the back of his mind wants to convince him otherwise. he swallows hard again and pulls away a little, wiping his face. ]「...It's okay.」
[ it's okay.
tsukasa takes a deep breath and takes leo's hands, shoulders squared, tear tracks still wet and getting wetter despite his best attempts. ]
「Leonii, let me help you be better. I'm... I'm trying to be a better person t-too, a br-braver one, for the people I love, so let's— together, let's become better people.」[ it's a soft plea. this is what he's offering his brother, in lieu of forgiveness, of forgetting. a chance to just... try to change. ]「...Is that okay?」
[... mm, tsukasa's so much more mature than he is. not forgiving (because this isn't something he should forgive, good for tsukasa knowing that) but an offer of change, of being beside him changing too. it's what he should've asked of miai... more directly this, anyway, instead of it being entwined the way they'd been at one point of time, with messy feelings and desperate grasps of affection past its due date.
(no, rather, it's aged just like them. that's not a bad thing. but it's unfamiliar and leo doesn't know how to deal with it, growing up.
maybe it's about time he learned. talked. things like that.)
he lifts their hands to wipe at his own face, which'd begun to resemble tsukasa's before he'd realized it, and nods.]
「Uh huh. That's... mmhmm, that's okay.」
[still more than he deserves, but
it's not so scary anymore. talking. he'd taken the chance with his parents, tsukasa had taken this chance with him, and... then, the others, maybe...
ahhh, he just wants to cuddle alexander, like he'd done a little over a week before, like he'd done more recently due to other matters. the lion doesn't like his cub crying, no more than ajisai likes either of them doing it, so there's two felines joining them nearer to the couch: tsukasa's, ducking into his lap and pressing her head delicately against his chin, and leo's kin, pushing his head against leo's side with a rumble.
sorry, tsukasa. but he seems calm enough despite miai's absence, despite tsukasa's presence. leo frees a hand to pet alex, squeezing their joined tightly.]
「... I'm trying to be better person too. During Tanabata, I... talked to Miai about things, and I've been trying to be good to Mitzy, so we're friendly. Nazu...」
[ah, nazu. nazu, nazu, nazu. his chest pangs, his voice warms, his gaze turned to the lion resting beside him now.]
「Nazu helped a lot. He said I helped him a lot, too, so... I know it's-- it's possible, it's easier with other people. We'll help each other out. And-- And sometimes we'll fall back, sure, but-- but that's fine.」
[ tsukasa splutters softly at ajisai, almost too distracted by her affection to notice alexander— almost, because it's hard not to notice a lion, but. he seems calm, and with his hand freed... he'll pet his cat too, just as leo's petting his. ]
「Mmhmm, that's fine.」[ as long as you keep moving...♪ he smiles slightly, but he directs it to ajisai. she deserves it, putting up with their tears like this. ]「I'm still... I'm still mad at you, though.」
「Of course you are. I don't fault you for it, Tsuka. I promise.」
[even if he wishes they could go the easy route and forget. forgiving isn't necessary if they don't talk about it, and. he doesn't deserve that kindness.]
「... Don't be mad at everyone else, okay..? I'm serious, I told them not to say anything. I'm grateful that they've kept my secret for this long -- especially our honest ones, who probably felt bad for staying quiet -- but... they don't deserve your anger. Just me. Mom and Dad have every right to keep me out of your life.」
「You're the one who was too busy for your big brother.」
[just a reminder. neutral toned, but a reminder.]
「... I'm glad you're busy, though. A boy your age should be. I mean, when I was your age I just...」
[ah, wow, he can
he can actually talk about things now, and his smile presses tight in a way that threatens tears again. he shakes it off, resting against the couch. this might just be when he was still in japan, when he hadn't quite returned to recolle, but. it's just the realization.]
「When I was your age,」[he starts fondly,]「when I was seventeen, I was dating Miai... Well, that was kind of near the end of it, honestly, but whatever. Still in Japan, making music like no one's business. When I wasn't playing small gigs, when I wasn't doing whatever with Miai, I liked to travel on the subways -- I wouldn't look at where I was going, I'd go and go just because. I saw a lot that way. He came with me when he wasn't busy, too, it was a youthful whirlwind..♪
So, you know, you're doing better than I was, actually. Going to school and all. I was just a free spirit, doing whatever I wanted when I wanted, even if it inconvenienced others... Mm, you don't want to hear me ramble, do you. Graduate for me, okay? Since your big brother refuses to.」
「I only pushed to go to school because Hinatan, Mafutan, and Antan all went, you know.」[ .......well, sometimes mafuyu went, but, ]「I mean, I wanted to go before, since that's what it was all about on TV, but... I wouldn't have been as extra insistent on attending if not for them.」
[ he'd asked, but only ever once, every so often. this past year though, he... ]
「And now I can't imagine not going, I guess.」[ he leans back, looking up at the ceiling. ]「I've got way more friends than just those three now... Miitan, Izutan, Chitan, Daipai... Well, Chitan and Daipai are graduated now, but... Xiaolang's starting high school this fall too. I'm gonna ask him if he wants to join art club.」
[ ♪ ]
「Yours sounds fun though.」[ like little road trips. ]「Is that how you got all those pictures you sent me?」
[it's amusing, keeping the names straight in his head, based purely on how much tsukasa'd talked about them; his little brother really did have his pick of friends, and at an important age too... maybe leo surrounded himself, but he can tell there's a difference between this and that. he'll have to thank them for being friends with tsukasa somehow.]
「Yup~. Every single one. It didn't stop after Miai left either... Might've taken more then than I ever had when we were together. I just wanted to get away.」
[he pauses, running his fingers through alexander's mane.]
「Everything dried up. I couldn't see colors, music was muffled... It felt like my fingers were numb. But I took pictures anyway, because I wanted to reassure you that things were fine, that I was still kicking. And then I came back to this city. Partly because I missed you, I missed home, but also...
... Well, Japan didn't have anything for me.」[which is unfair to say, between his band and what fans he'd had.]「Or at least I felt that way. So I came back, hoping to find those things again, and you were part of that. I was happy to see you happy, doing something you wanted to do that wasn't just being tutored by Mom and Dad. It revitalized me.」
「... Um, not really... We were small-time. Had enough in our first year together to keep us riding high in the second, but... it couldn't last, you know? We parted on good terms though, they got it. There's nothing you can do about a creative block.」
[brought on by one of the member's younger brother.]
well, he can't be mad about that; he assumed that his brother would be popular, his songs would be national, everyone would recognize how incredible he and whoever he picked up would be... ]
「I guess I really do own every CD you ever put out then, huh? And all your merch too. I was worried I'd be missing some pieces.」
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
09/01 what a great way to end this inbox.
but, mm.
after last month... after a lot of things...
tsukasa hesitates outside, fist resting on the door. he hasn't knocked yet, and given the questions mulling about in his mind, in his stomach, he doesn't know if he wants to. but!! ajisai is just past there, in the apartment, so... he drums his knuckles on the door, raising his voice a little. ]
Leoniiii, your favorite little brother is here~?
rude
Tsuka, your favorite older brother's happy to see you..♪ Aji-tan is too, she's been wa~iting for you to come by. ♪
[the cat meows in agreement, padding over with her tail raised. alexander watches with interest, standing with a stretch, mouth widening in a yawn.]
Even Alex-tan's interested~. Come in, come in, I'll get some snacks~.
[because ever since he's started coming around to stay (not just by miai's request, he's been doing in every now and then for a week before that), there's been a little extra this and that. leo's picked up things for himself too.]
look me in the eye and tell me this isn't the day leo dIES
and uuu, alex-tan... right....... that lion of his............. ]
Ummm, sure... [ he'll separate himself from leo then, nudging past him to scoop up ajisai and cuddle her in greeting (♪) before he gives a bow to alexander. ] It's nice to see you, Alex-tan.
[ (WHEEZE) ]
Ahaha... Um, where can I sit?
its true
[... which means it's reserved for him too. as leo. he shuts the door, skipping to the kitchen area to get some snacks for all four of them (larger cuts of beef for alex, sashimi for ajisai, chips for him and tsukasa). wherever tsukasa lands he will too, making sure to give the lion his share and some cuddles.
(leo's so natural about it. playing with a lion.)]
How's it been, Tsuka? Been keepin' busy? I barely see you nowadays~. It makes me lonely, you know?
no subject
Mmmhmm, it's been hard. There was the funeral and everyone coming to give their condolences, and then there was, you know, the whole bodyswapping thing... Then I had to be on my best, best behavior to get them to agree to me staying with Miisan in the first place, and a lot of convincing with how it's worked out for Daipai... And then art club had a bi~g cooking party at Izutan's place. And I had to get stuff ready for school too, since it's starting up again this month. [ ...and otherwise, he's been stalling. mmm. ] Sorry, niisan. I thought you would've been pretty busy too...?
no subject
Well, I've been here and there, let's say that.
[bodyswaps, sharing memories, spending time with... with miai, in a better way. he shrugs, stretching his legs out and leaning back against the cushions. there's. stuff, too, that he's been dealing with as a whole, but. not the topic of the day.]
Not too busy, but not stagnant. Sort of... been sorting myself out. Lookin' forward to all the drunk college kids comin' into my shop for mistakes though. ♪
no subject
[ he fidgets with the chips, leaning back, too. not taking up as much space as leo, but.
he doesn't know how to bring this up. casually? demanding? his brother's been sorting himself out, so maybe he'd have some good answers for him. maybe things would be okay. if he's soft, then be soft with him... tsukasa exhales softly, watching alexander. ]
...Leonii, me and Miisan talked a little last month. [ well, obviously, but. ] About you.
no subject
[it's said playfully, even if they're sort of mean words, and he pops a chip into his mouth.]
So? What about me? You know you can come to me anytime, right? Skip that middleman?
no subject
[ fidget, fidget. mmm. ]
...When you fought with our parents, I didn't really go back to Baba. [ carefully said. ] I wanted to, but I wanted to be there to support you, too. I didn't want to run away, and...
[ he heard. his lips press together firmly, eyes stinging slightly from how hard he's staring ahead. ]
...Why did you lie to me, niisan? [ wavering, a little. ] And how many other people knew you were in Recollé for so long? Miai already fessed up and apologized— Leonii, I wanted to see you for so long, and you just pretended like you were thousands of miles away. Why? How could you be so cruel to your own brother? Do you know how much it hurt to hear what you told our parents?
no subject
another thing he should've talked about. god grant him strength, he needs to change.]
That's... Tsuka, you see, I...
[ah. mm. what wouldn't sound like an excuse? what would be good enough? the full truth, right? what he'd confessed to nazuna, to kuro, to mitzy and miai..?
he swallows hard. keeps his hands to himself, even if he'd like to hug him.]
Not everyone knew. Miai did, Nazu did, Kuro did... Rittsu too, but he didn't connect the two of us. I've always been Tsukinaga to most of them. Kuro's the only one that ever knew me as a Suzakura. I asked them not to say anything either.
[... mitzy knew too, but that was later on..? should he count that?]
I'm sorry, Tsuka. [weak. he doesn't want to break in front of his little brother, he wants to be strong. he has to be. even now, right?] I didn't mean to keep it from you for so long. It just... ended up that way.
[he. answered like one question. he figures most of it is rhetorical (of course he knows how much it hurts, of course he knows he was cruel).]
no subject
You could've said something at any time. [ "it just ended up that way" is so weak as an excuse, just like leo's voice. tsukasa hunches his shoulders, determined not to cry, either, but— ] Wh-when you came back, you could've, and I would've been able to keep it a secret! I-I've done that the past couple of months, right...? An— and then I wouldn't have been so lonely, and I wouldn't feel so bad for forgetting I had you be-because you weren't around—
[ determined not to cry, but it's coming out anyway, in his voice and in the fat drops that drip off his chin. ]
You could've seen Baba more! [ his voice cracks in the middle, timed with his turning to him, ] She would've been so happy, Leonii! You could've made her last few years worth it, instead of leaving it to your stupid, naive, not-good-enough little brother! I-it was always Leo this and Leo that when we talked, because she missed you! An-and I did too, so I didn't mind, b-b-but—
[ but, you know, sometimes, it'd be nice to talk without talking about leo. ]
It isn't fair! You're not fair! Leonii, I'm so... [ a little sob. ] Niiisan, you wanna know the truth? I've resented you for leaving me—us—for the past two, three years! When I realized you weren't coming back, and you were leaving me to our parents, an-and what that meant, when we heard you'd been cut out of the family tree for good...
[ ...
he slumps against the arm of the couch, shoulders shaking. his brother has such a soft heart; it's something they share, and he's just tearing it apart when he's tearing his own. but he wants him to hurt the same way he hurt, he wants... ugh, he's so mean. he's a terrible person...
no, he's human. sorry, miai. ]
「...I don't hate you,」 [ he feels he has to clarify this, somewhat muffled, language switched. ] 「Please don't think I do, Leonii. I'm just... I hate what you did.」
no subject
(a ah,
he gets it, now. rosetis's teachings. miai's desires.)
leo's hands hesitate, unsure if tsukasa wants to be touched, and then they wrap around his brother, forcing him away from the arm, forcing him into his arms. he can feel the heat from tsukasa's pain against his chest as much as he can within it, and he rubs slow, soothing circles against his back, just the way he used to. the way baba did.]
「I wish you did,」 [softly,] 「you're more than I deserve.」
[he can forgive tsukasa's harshness, because it's true. because he understands not being enough. because it must've been terrible, compared to a ghost by baba, by their parents, whether they meant to or not; leo takes every piece of hatred and anger, laces it with regret, and digs it like a dulled knife into his heart.
he'll carry it, he will. it's only right.]
「I... mm. I don't have an excuse, Tsuka, because you're right. I could've, and I didn't. It's not that I didn't trust you, I promise, I just...」
[... it was nice to be free of everything for a little while longer. "i'll tell him tomorrow" turned into weeks, months, and finally years; he thinks of his relationship with miai and knows that they would've played the same game as they had in japan, if leo had travelled with him, if miai had stayed. it might've been better in outcome, but
it probably would've been like this. no, it had been, the memory of his texts far too fresh for it being months ago.]
「... I... was scared. Of coming back completely. Of you knowing I was around, of being able to see Baba again.」 [a start, soft to keep from cracking.] 「I'm terrified of our parents. There... was nothing worse to me than the thought of going home, whether to see you or Baba, because they'd be there too. In person, in memory...
... So instead, I hid. I cowered after I'd run away, tucked my tail between my legs, and pretended it was fine. It wouldn't come out how long I'd been back, so it was fine. That time got longer and longer though, from the couple months I'd decided to tell you at, and suddenly it was too late.」
[he'd had plenty of distractions on the way. things he decided were more preferable than. that. not more important, just. procrastinating.]
「You don't have to believe me,」[he's trembling, the circles stuttered as his voice, ] 「but I really do love you, Tsuka. My precious little brother. I've never hated you, not a day in my life -- you've been a light since the day you were born, you know? So it wasn't out of hate I stayed away, it wasn't because I didn't love you-- I missed you every day in Japan, when I returned here too, because you were there but you weren't, so close and just out of reach.
My fault.
I'm sorry, Tsuka. You deserved a lot better, from someone a lot better, but the truth is that I'm not and I... never have been, to anyone.」
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he doesn't interrupt the explanation, brow pressing together tight enough to give him a headache (not that the crying is helping, with that). when leo starts to tremble, tsukasa wraps his arms around him, squeezing him tightly. maybe he does deserve better, did deserve better, but leo's the only brother he has. the only brother he wants. ]
「We're both cowards.」[ tsukasa can't tell anyone how he feels without being too scared it'll change something irreparably, after all. even this was hard to do, despite the ease with which it came out. he buries his face into leo's shoulder, swallowing hard. ] 「I... had questions, and doubts, too. Months ago. I wanted to believe you though, s-so I just shoved those as-aside, because I thought— if you had anything to say, y-you'd say it. And I...
I didn't like doubting you.」[ he didn't want to question him. he wanted to believe, badly, that his brother would talk to him, but he didn't. tsukasa was stupid: it isn't like leo ever told him anything before, either. but he'd been younger, and he's still young, but he isn't so young that he can't get things now—
maybe that's their failing. the years between them are too great, even though tsukasa's always felt like they were closer. the breaths he takes are shuddering softly, in time with the rest of him. he doesn't have to be mature here; no one's going to fault him for still reacting childishly, for wanting to just be angry, but leo's about to cry, and tsukasa is so, so soft.
and he loves his brother. despite everything, leo is still someone he wants to admire, look to as a role model. maybe more for "what not to do" right now, but... he wants to believe that leo loves him, too. that he's telling the truth, even if something in the back of his mind wants to convince him otherwise. he swallows hard again and pulls away a little, wiping his face. ]「...It's okay.」
[ it's okay.
tsukasa takes a deep breath and takes leo's hands, shoulders squared, tear tracks still wet and getting wetter despite his best attempts. ]
「Leonii, let me help you be better. I'm... I'm trying to be a better person t-too, a br-braver one, for the people I love, so let's— together, let's become better people.」[ it's a soft plea. this is what he's offering his brother, in lieu of forgiveness, of forgetting. a chance to just... try to change. ]「...Is that okay?」
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(no, rather, it's aged just like them. that's not a bad thing. but it's unfamiliar and leo doesn't know how to deal with it, growing up.
maybe it's about time he learned. talked. things like that.)
he lifts their hands to wipe at his own face, which'd begun to resemble tsukasa's before he'd realized it, and nods.]
「Uh huh. That's... mmhmm, that's okay.」
[still more than he deserves, but
it's not so scary anymore. talking. he'd taken the chance with his parents, tsukasa had taken this chance with him, and... then, the others, maybe...
ahhh, he just wants to cuddle alexander, like he'd done a little over a week before, like he'd done more recently due to other matters. the lion doesn't like his cub crying, no more than ajisai likes either of them doing it, so there's two felines joining them nearer to the couch: tsukasa's, ducking into his lap and pressing her head delicately against his chin, and leo's kin, pushing his head against leo's side with a rumble.
sorry, tsukasa. but he seems calm enough despite miai's absence, despite tsukasa's presence. leo frees a hand to pet alex, squeezing their joined tightly.]
「... I'm trying to be better person too. During Tanabata, I... talked to Miai about things, and I've been trying to be good to Mitzy, so we're friendly. Nazu...」
[ah, nazu. nazu, nazu, nazu. his chest pangs, his voice warms, his gaze turned to the lion resting beside him now.]
「Nazu helped a lot. He said I helped him a lot, too, so... I know it's-- it's possible, it's easier with other people. We'll help each other out. And-- And sometimes we'll fall back, sure, but-- but that's fine.」
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「Mmhmm, that's fine.」[ as long as you keep moving...♪ he smiles slightly, but he directs it to ajisai. she deserves it, putting up with their tears like this. ]「I'm still... I'm still mad at you, though.」
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[even if he wishes they could go the easy route and forget. forgiving isn't necessary if they don't talk about it, and. he doesn't deserve that kindness.]
「... Don't be mad at everyone else, okay..? I'm serious, I told them not to say anything. I'm grateful that they've kept my secret for this long -- especially our honest ones, who probably felt bad for staying quiet -- but... they don't deserve your anger. Just me. Mom and Dad have every right to keep me out of your life.」
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but accepted with a shrug, letting go of their joined hands so he can scoot back a little for alex's head to lay on.]
「... Was that it? Aji-tan and a lecture?」
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[ ... ]
「I wanted to see you, too. It's been a while since we got to hang out.」
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[just a reminder. neutral toned, but a reminder.]
「... I'm glad you're busy, though. A boy your age should be. I mean, when I was your age I just...」
[ah, wow, he can
he can actually talk about things now, and his smile presses tight in a way that threatens tears again. he shakes it off, resting against the couch. this might just be when he was still in japan, when he hadn't quite returned to recolle, but. it's just the realization.]
「When I was your age,」[he starts fondly,]「when I was seventeen, I was dating Miai... Well, that was kind of near the end of it, honestly, but whatever. Still in Japan, making music like no one's business. When I wasn't playing small gigs, when I wasn't doing whatever with Miai, I liked to travel on the subways -- I wouldn't look at where I was going, I'd go and go just because. I saw a lot that way. He came with me when he wasn't busy, too, it was a youthful whirlwind..♪
So, you know, you're doing better than I was, actually. Going to school and all. I was just a free spirit, doing whatever I wanted when I wanted, even if it inconvenienced others... Mm, you don't want to hear me ramble, do you. Graduate for me, okay? Since your big brother refuses to.」
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[ he'd asked, but only ever once, every so often. this past year though, he... ]
「And now I can't imagine not going, I guess.」[ he leans back, looking up at the ceiling. ]「I've got way more friends than just those three now... Miitan, Izutan, Chitan, Daipai... Well, Chitan and Daipai are graduated now, but... Xiaolang's starting high school this fall too. I'm gonna ask him if he wants to join art club.」
[ ♪ ]
「Yours sounds fun though.」[ like little road trips. ]「Is that how you got all those pictures you sent me?」
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「Yup~. Every single one. It didn't stop after Miai left either... Might've taken more then than I ever had when we were together. I just wanted to get away.」
[he pauses, running his fingers through alexander's mane.]
「Everything dried up. I couldn't see colors, music was muffled... It felt like my fingers were numb. But I took pictures anyway, because I wanted to reassure you that things were fine, that I was still kicking. And then I came back to this city. Partly because I missed you, I missed home, but also...
... Well, Japan didn't have anything for me.」[which is unfair to say, between his band and what fans he'd had.]「Or at least I felt that way. So I came back, hoping to find those things again, and you were part of that. I was happy to see you happy, doing something you wanted to do that wasn't just being tutored by Mom and Dad. It revitalized me.」
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「What happened to your band? And everything you guys did? Mmm... Weren't you all popular?」
[ genuine questions. ]
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[brought on by one of the member's younger brother.]
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[ ...
well, he can't be mad about that; he assumed that his brother would be popular, his songs would be national, everyone would recognize how incredible he and whoever he picked up would be... ]
「I guess I really do own every CD you ever put out then, huh? And all your merch too. I was worried I'd be missing some pieces.」
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