「Oho? You found me out~? As expected of my clever little brother, who I used to sing to sleep. ♪
It doesn't let me do music, and really I can't sing when I work since it requires a lot of concentration, but I don't see why you can't come around. ♪ I'm working at a tattoo parlor.」
[ ah, mm... tsukasa leans his head on leo's shoulder, playing with his hands in his lap. ]
「Mmmm... Well, I mean, Mom and Dad have the same hours they always have, except now they can spend more time at the university and all since they don't have to teach me anything... Baba watches the house while we're all gone, too... So I bet you could. She'd be really happy to see you, too. She misses you a lot.」[ ... ]「Don't scare her or anything like that though, okay? Baba's an old woman, you know.」
「I grew up too.」 [quiet, cuddling.] 「It's mostly just appearance, I'm still the same Leonii that gave you piggyback rides and sang you to sleep, who helped you when you didn't get things and found four leaf clovers for you.」
[no, there's a lot of things that's changed about leo, but his love for his brother is just the same.]
[ grew up, too. how long has he wanted to show leo that he's a boy who can stand on his own two feet? that he's grown up, that he can do so much? ...too, though.
sitting like this, leaning against his big brother, he doesn't feel like he's grown up at all. he's just the same shy, in-his-head tsukasa suzakura, who only lights up and lets loose when a topic he loves comes up, who clings to his older brother and doesn't want to let go, who still can't find four leaf clovers on his own.
tsukasa hums softly in acknowledgement and lets the words hang there, mulling it over, before he throws his arms around leo and squeezes as hard as he can. ]
[oof-- oof, he's getting pet and patted and hugged back, pulled closer as he nuzzles the side of tsukasa's head with a laugh.]
「I love you too, Tsuka! I've missed you so, so much, words can't describe it! Ahhh, if only I had my bass..! I'd play my feelings, I'd show you like that, but for now just take your big brother's words to heart, okay?」
[he's not-- he's not crying a little, burying his face into tsukasa's shoulders, his voice is just thick with emotion. he wishes he could apologize to tsukasa. wishes he could say all the things he needs to say. but this is fine for now, the last of his immediate worries fluttering off like torn grass.]
[ hearing his brother play and sing again, in person...!!! would be so nice, but it'll have to wait for another day. that's fine; he wants to be able to appreciate it, not be on the edge of sleep... which he isn't quite at yet, but the adrenaline's leaving him now that he's here and leo's (definitely not) crying. ]
「I always do, Leonii.」[ he's never questioned his brother once, never doubted him; he doesn't have any reason to now, even if he wonders that... if... if leo really missed him so, so much, why didn't he visit?
...why didn't he come around?
sure, their parents might've been angry, and he might be disowned, but
but... ]「...I always do. Will you play for me some other time though? I miss hearing you in person.」
「How gracious...」[ kuahhh. ...he doesn't think he's been cuddled so much in his entire life. well, him and hinata hug a lot, so that's kind of the same... ]「Ahaha... I guess I'm looking forward to it, then.」
leo shifts, resting his head on tsukasa's shoulder, squeezing him tighter.] 「Hey, Tsuka, when I get my own place... Do you wanna live with me? It won't be any time soon, but...」
his (their) parents wouldn't agree. they'd want to see him dorming at the university, staying with them until he has the means to support himself on his own otherwise... he can't even imagine them liking him living with hinata, if that was an option in the future. and they don't dislike his best friend, entirely. ]
「I can't.」[ that's the truth of it. even if it's no time soon... but it isn't a "i don't want to" it's just he can't, and he knows leo knows why— ]「Sorry, Leonii.」
[ that's not untrue. tsukasa snuggles into the tighter hold, thinking about their parents, and peeks up at him a little. ]
「They've softened up a little as I got older.」[ and it became apparent he wasn't going the way of his brother. ]「In some ways, at least... Sometimes it feels like they haven't, and they've just gotten more creative so they can compromise with me.」
[ something he hasn't really told anyone, something he'd only tell leo. ]
「I can work at the stables, but only if I study twice as hard as before. I can become a veterinarian, since it's a respectable job, as long as I keep watercolors to a hobby. I can go to public school, but my grades have to be perfect every time, and they still have to be perfect for home's pop quizzes, too. I can attend a club and I can hang out with friends after school, but I can't stay over unless I tell them days in advance.」[ tsukasa recounts them all with the quiet resignation of someone who'd do anything to keep the little bits of freedom he's been given. ]「No pets, because they're a distraction, but the stables keep me happy enough. Academia still has to be an option for me, and Mom's happy that she's winning out between her and Dad since I enjoy literature more than history... for whatever that's worth. No talking to my older brother, because he's a bad influence.」
[ ...ha. ]
「They don't know I've been doing that for years anyway.」[ rebellion, but a soft one. ]「They'd be really mad if they knew... I've been really careful about it. I used to offer to go to the store for this and that when I wanted to send you something, and I've always kept my history nice and clean. I keep your pictures printed and in Baba's room, since they never go in there anyway. Neither of them really know your voice, Leonii, so I can listen to your music whenever... but I still usually just do it when they're not at home.」
[ easier like that. safer. tsukasa closes his eyes again. ]
「...It isn't... mmm, they're just strict because they want what's best for me—I know that. Our parents are like that. They want us... they want me to be successful and happy, and not to have any regrets or anything like that, so I don't really fault them...」[ but he still does things like go out when they're not home, obviously. he does things like stay contact with his brother as much as he can in the years he's gone. he takes parts in silly lives, and he holds hands with hinata, and he focuses more and more on art because it's really fun. ]「That's all, I guess.」
[...what kind of life is that, that's so give and take?
that he has to be so resigned to his place in life and taking happiness, taking freedom where he can? letting it be a truly fleeting thing until he goes back to the routine their parents have? one misstep and leo knows they'd clench hard again, pull him from thing he loved one by one, and it burns.
it makes him terribly, terribly sad, and all the more angry for it.]
「They've always been like that, yeah. But at least they're letting you do things.」[a small blessing, burying his face into tsukasa's hair.]「That's an improvement. Small, but there, I guess. Why can't they just be happy and let us make our own mistakes, huh? And just be there when things go wrong instead.」
[ he knows it must burn leo up inside, seeing as it's this kind of thing he ran off from—but he sighs and thinks about the question. is he happy with that? happy enough? ... ]
「I am.」[ most of the time. he wouldn't be talking about it like this if he was completely satisfied, but 'happy enough'. ]「...it could be worse. They could've kept saying no to public schooling, and they could've gotten me a job somewhere closer to home and more respectable than "stablehand". Maybe something with a friend of theirs, so they could keep an eye on me... Things like that. So I'm glad for what I have right now. Retrospec makes it kind of hard sometimes, but they don't notice a lot of the weirder stuff, and February was disguised as a field trip so they didn't berate me for skipping school or anything...」
[... it could be worse. leo thinks of how they clamped down the more he struggled against their drowning presence and the fight that ended it all, that had him walking out and going to japan. he hums softly. displeased, but resigned.]
「That's good. About them not noticing weird stuff. Guess I'll have to get used to that too..~ Be my guide, Tsuka, what sorta things are gonna be weird to your big brother?」
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「Oho? You found me out~? As expected of my clever little brother, who I used to sing to sleep. ♪
It doesn't let me do music, and really I can't sing when I work since it requires a lot of concentration, but I don't see why you can't come around. ♪ I'm working at a tattoo parlor.」
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「But that requires you to be able to draw, Leonii?」
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you are getting a hell of a noogie.]
「I've improved, Tsuka! Seriously! Besides, it doesn't matter how good or bad you are at drawing as long as you've got a style and you stick with it!」
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「I-If you say say, Leonii!」[ he's wiggling please stop... ]
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[gosh. but it'll slow to a gentle pet instead, leaning against his brother.]
「Think I could sneak in and see Baba? I miss her as much as I missed you.」
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「Mmmm... Well, I mean, Mom and Dad have the same hours they always have, except now they can spend more time at the university and all since they don't have to teach me anything... Baba watches the house while we're all gone, too... So I bet you could. She'd be really happy to see you, too. She misses you a lot.」[ ... ]「Don't scare her or anything like that though, okay? Baba's an old woman, you know.」
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「Think she'd be scared of... You know.」
[a gesture to himself. appearance.]
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「Maybe take out a few piercings.」[ there is quite. you know. ]「...You really changed, didn't you? Leonii.」
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[no, there's a lot of things that's changed about leo, but his love for his brother is just the same.]
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sitting like this, leaning against his big brother, he doesn't feel like he's grown up at all. he's just the same shy, in-his-head tsukasa suzakura, who only lights up and lets loose when a topic he loves comes up, who clings to his older brother and doesn't want to let go, who still can't find four leaf clovers on his own.
tsukasa hums softly in acknowledgement and lets the words hang there, mulling it over, before he throws his arms around leo and squeezes as hard as he can. ]
「I love you, Leonii.」
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「I love you too, Tsuka! I've missed you so, so much, words can't describe it! Ahhh, if only I had my bass..! I'd play my feelings, I'd show you like that, but for now just take your big brother's words to heart, okay?」
[he's not-- he's not crying a little, burying his face into tsukasa's shoulders, his voice is just thick with emotion. he wishes he could apologize to tsukasa. wishes he could say all the things he needs to say. but this is fine for now, the last of his immediate worries fluttering off like torn grass.]
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「I always do, Leonii.」[ he's never questioned his brother once, never doubted him; he doesn't have any reason to now, even if he wonders that... if... if leo really missed him so, so much, why didn't he visit?
...why didn't he come around?
sure, their parents might've been angry, and he might be disowned, but
but... ]「...I always do. Will you play for me some other time though? I miss hearing you in person.」
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[like
he'll perform happy birthday for him at the stables.]
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「Nothing embarrassing.」[ PLEASE. ]「Your little brother wants to be a little cool now, you know...?」
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[he's only teasing, but still..!]
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GROANS, BURIES HIS FACE INTO HIS HANDS AGAIN ]
「I did, didn't I......!」
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「Yup~! So you've got noooo reason to complain~! But I'll take it easy on you since it'll be your birthday. ♪ I'll at least make sure you're alone.」
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[ ... ]
「I wish I could hang out with you forever.」
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leo shifts, resting his head on tsukasa's shoulder, squeezing him tighter.] 「Hey, Tsuka, when I get my own place... Do you wanna live with me? It won't be any time soon, but...」
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his (their) parents wouldn't agree. they'd want to see him dorming at the university, staying with them until he has the means to support himself on his own otherwise... he can't even imagine them liking him living with hinata, if that was an option in the future. and they don't dislike his best friend, entirely. ]
「I can't.」[ that's the truth of it. even if it's no time soon... but it isn't a "i don't want to" it's just he can't, and he knows leo knows why— ]「Sorry, Leonii.」
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「It's fine.」[even if it's not.]「After I left, I bet they got twice as hard on you, trying to keep you in line and under their thumb. Sorry.」
[for a lot more than tsukasa can imagine being sorry for.]
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「They've softened up a little as I got older.」[ and it became apparent he wasn't going the way of his brother. ]「In some ways, at least... Sometimes it feels like they haven't, and they've just gotten more creative so they can compromise with me.」
[ something he hasn't really told anyone, something he'd only tell leo. ]
「I can work at the stables, but only if I study twice as hard as before. I can become a veterinarian, since it's a respectable job, as long as I keep watercolors to a hobby. I can go to public school, but my grades have to be perfect every time, and they still have to be perfect for home's pop quizzes, too. I can attend a club and I can hang out with friends after school, but I can't stay over unless I tell them days in advance.」[ tsukasa recounts them all with the quiet resignation of someone who'd do anything to keep the little bits of freedom he's been given. ]「No pets, because they're a distraction, but the stables keep me happy enough. Academia still has to be an option for me, and Mom's happy that she's winning out between her and Dad since I enjoy literature more than history... for whatever that's worth. No talking to my older brother, because he's a bad influence.」
[ ...ha. ]
「They don't know I've been doing that for years anyway.」[ rebellion, but a soft one. ]「They'd be really mad if they knew... I've been really careful about it. I used to offer to go to the store for this and that when I wanted to send you something, and I've always kept my history nice and clean. I keep your pictures printed and in Baba's room, since they never go in there anyway. Neither of them really know your voice, Leonii, so I can listen to your music whenever... but I still usually just do it when they're not at home.」
[ easier like that. safer. tsukasa closes his eyes again. ]
「...It isn't... mmm, they're just strict because they want what's best for me—I know that. Our parents are like that. They want us... they want me to be successful and happy, and not to have any regrets or anything like that, so I don't really fault them...」[ but he still does things like go out when they're not home, obviously. he does things like stay contact with his brother as much as he can in the years he's gone. he takes parts in silly lives, and he holds hands with hinata, and he focuses more and more on art because it's really fun. ]「That's all, I guess.」
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that he has to be so resigned to his place in life and taking happiness, taking freedom where he can? letting it be a truly fleeting thing until he goes back to the routine their parents have? one misstep and leo knows they'd clench hard again, pull him from thing he loved one by one, and it burns.
it makes him terribly, terribly sad, and all the more angry for it.]
「They've always been like that, yeah. But at least they're letting you do things.」[a small blessing, burying his face into tsukasa's hair.]「That's an improvement. Small, but there, I guess. Why can't they just be happy and let us make our own mistakes, huh? And just be there when things go wrong instead.」
[oh, well.]
「Are you happy with that? Happy enough, I guess.」
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「I am.」[ most of the time. he wouldn't be talking about it like this if he was completely satisfied, but 'happy enough'. ]「...it could be worse. They could've kept saying no to public schooling, and they could've gotten me a job somewhere closer to home and more respectable than "stablehand". Maybe something with a friend of theirs, so they could keep an eye on me... Things like that. So I'm glad for what I have right now. Retrospec makes it kind of hard sometimes, but they don't notice a lot of the weirder stuff, and February was disguised as a field trip so they didn't berate me for skipping school or anything...」
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「That's good. About them not noticing weird stuff. Guess I'll have to get used to that too..~ Be my guide, Tsuka, what sorta things are gonna be weird to your big brother?」
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