[ still good, still leo, but. off. so it was miai, right? ]
Mmm... "Do you want to still have feelings for him?", "Does the joy outweigh the sorrow?", and "Can you truly enjoy yourself, or will you only be wracked by misery?", right?
[ of course he remembers them, ]
... The... person you were talking about then, the one who started looking elsewhere... [ ...was miai, right? ]
[it's small and soft, that yeah. the playing is melodic and melancholic the longer it goes on, changing key and quieting, too. he clears his throat and inhales sharply, lifting his head a bit to try for a casual tone. like it's no big deal.]
We did break up because his circus was leaving Japan. Neither of us could really... do a long distance relationship, probably, because we liked clinging to each other too much. [and because miai was looking elsewhere, tired of japan and leo and what he could offer him, wanting new horizons and new experiences.] Even once we met up here again, we didn't... really get back together or anything, even though I found I still liked him a lot.
[his mistake, maybe. not saying something, not asking. but how could he? when miai would've looked elsewhere again, when miai's attention trained on him so avidly when they weren't dating.]
But we still hung out. Kissed and stuff like that. Went on dates, and I could always find a new way to entertain him, to have fun, that he'd readily agree to. Of course I still liked him, you know? Seeing him again shook all those feelings awake again.
[he's only saying so much, speaking so plainly, because tsukasa wants to be there for his heartbreak too. because he opened up and talked about his feelings for the people who were gone.]
[ this is way out of his depth, and he knows it. everything with leo is; everything with leo always has been, at least until years have passed and he's been able to experience the same things, the same feelings. he hopes he never has to do that with this, though. even hearing it makes his heart ache.
he's quiet, then reaches over to pick out a few notes of his own. ugh— he really is hopeless when he comes to this kind of thing, and he draws his hand back to pull the headphones down around his neck. ]
You should've said something, [ he finally replies, even though he's in absolutely no position to tell anyone that. he never said anything to hinata; he never said anything to anya; he'll never say anything to anyone, at this rate. ] Even if it was just, "I still like you, do you want to pick up where we left off?" or something like that... Even if the answer was no, or even if things ended up not working out again, wouldn't it be better than what you have now?
[ a beat. ]
You don't want to hear that from your cowardly little brother who can't do the same thing to start with though, I'm sure. [ siiigh. ] And if he looked elsewhere before, then there's a chance he would've done the same thing here too, even if I think people can change... Mmmm...
[ ...
there isn't an easy fix-all answer, and even if there was, tsukasa isn't sure it'd be simple, or that he'd be able to know what it is. is listening enough, this time? maybe he shouldn't say anything, or it'll blow up in his face again. ]
... He wanted to maybe pick up things here too, I learned, but he didn't ask.
[probably for the same reason leo hadn't; too afraid of what's changed, too afraid of what could change, a year together and so many apart. he's positive that he loved miai then. he knows he did, and he knows he does now, too. it'd hurt so much if he was rejected, even if he wouldn't have blamed miai.]
And I don't care if you're a hypocrite, Tsuka, your big brother's one too. All of humanity is. That's what defines us from other animals, you know? We don't say things to others and not do them ourselves because of survival, we do it because we're scared. Because it's easier to tell someone what they should do instead of try it ourselves.
[but
that is a little much, maybe, and he stretches out, up and down, trying to work his body out of its stiffness.]
Miai... Mm. I don't want your opinion of him to be too affected, because you've gotta remember we were sixteen, seventeen years old. Your age. We both were stupid, both young and thought things were what they weren't. But he was the type of person who always looked for what interested him most, see, and I aimed to be that. Wasn't hard. What was hard was keepin' that attention on me, when we started to fall into a rhythm and Miai's eyes looked for something new, someone new.
[he licks his lips, hesitating.]
Even when we were together. Especially then. I thought it was alright, since he'd always come back to me anyway, but I... knew it wasn't right. I just didn't want to say anything.
[because it was just a "miai" thing. because he understood how miai was, because he was scared of losing his first love, his first real relationship. this isn't stuff he's aired out to anyone and it feels almost lightening--
almost, but not quite.]
Kinda feels like a slap now. I should've, I know... I should've said anything -- but I couldn't. [and now. now-- now, he's ritsu's problem, and maybe that guy can entertain him.
but he thinks of the movie theater, how miai still dances the same way he always has with leo, and wonders. he won't make extra trouble for them. but he wonders.] And I don't know if I could anymore. I don't know if I could go out with Miai, not without being afraid of not being enough.
[even if miai had said he'd always been enough, that the people around him just hadn't appreciated that and hadn't returned it properly. hadn't treated him well enough. it's still a fear.]
[ it's only natural that his first feeling is indignation, that miai would take his brother for granted like that— that he'd treat him like that. that he'd look at other people that way when he was with leo. how disgraceful.
age has nothing to do with it; age isn't an excuse. he'd never— he knows so many people who would never—
he bites his tongue on it, miai's words from earlier in the month rolling around in his head too (that selfish people, like him and leo, have heavy weights on their shoulders; that they carry their caprice with them, the hurt they've caused others, no matter what; that they hurt from their decisions, too), and feels his anger melt away just a bit.
it was in the context of family, but maybe it could apply to this, too. if miai cared even a little bit about leo, if his brother wasn't just some sort of timewaster... his anger smolders quietly, and tsukasa frowns slightly. ]
...Then I'd say to give up on that. [ soft, because he's sure his voice would strain otherwise. ] Please find someone who will appreciate you properly, Leonii. Find someone you'll be "enough" for, because there's going to be someone who loves you for you... If even your idiot, untalented brother can find someone like that, then certainly for someone as incredible as you...
[ but that isn't easy either, given tsukasa continues to have trouble believing in this sort of thing himself, but— ]
Or... [ quiet. he knows leo likes nazuna, and he knows he likes miai. he might like sena. that's a lot of different things, and there's only two of those people he knows for certain how things might turn out. with nazuna, maybe it'd be okay. with sena, probably not.
he's almost certain his senpai, as much as he might like him, is still looking back at the ghost that disappeared when leo suzakura appeared on the app, is still struggling with his own memories and feelings that come from them. it isn't fair to put them through that. it isn't fair to put anyone through this kind of thing, and with a another sigh he leans all his weight on his brother. ] Or maybe we should all give up on love entirely...~ Leonii, this is complicated, isn't it?
[leo laughs at tsukasa's conclusion in the end, heart aching the whole time through (he knows he should give up, he should've just let miai walk away from that conversation, but he didn't, he can't, it's too hard and too sudden), and he nuzzles his little brother's cheek.]
Maybe we should~. Love's a difficult thing, no matter how old you get..♪
[because matters of the heart aren't something he entirely understands either. as incomplete as miai feels, leo understands.]
Mm, but I know... I'm tryin', see. To give up on it. [bit by bit, he's been trying... or so he wants to say.] I just... I loved him a long time, Tsuka. Even when he didn't deserve it, even when he did, even when we were apart -- I loved him, and I can't forget that. He was my muse, my inspiration, my everything.
[hence
the change, suddenly, in leo's music. his grows softer now, so it doesn't strain, doesn't crack. he's smiling despite his words, a little resigned, more knowing than anything.]
Tsuka, don't put your entire life into one person. Not unless you know they can do the same for you. That's the lesson you can get from your big brother, who made someone his world and lost it in a day. Who has to watch a good friend have it instead and try not to hate it or him or them even if... even if it'd be easy to, even if it slips out.
I won't. [ even if he considers mafuyu and hinata to be so important to him, he has— other friends. he appreciates them, too. it's still upsetting, though. ] But, um... mmm. You should hate it if you hate it, Leonii. It's healthier to have those feelings and not repress them.
[ ......look, he knows, shut up— ]
If something slips out, then apologize. Not for feeling like that, because like Nazuna told me once, you can't really control how you feel about things... so you shouldn't feel guilty or anything? But for saying something that would probably hurt them. Um, I mean, everything aside, at the end of the day they both mean a lot to you. [ miai more so, maybe. another sigh, softer. ] I think that's what I'd do, too... but, um, maybe I'm not really the best litmus.
[you're not, he wants to reply, and pets tsukasa's hair instead. you're too young. inexperienced, even if i was your age when i had that pain.
he's trying to help his pitiful big brother and leo can appreciate that, so he doesn't say a word. hate it if he hates it (what's the point? making himself miserable isn't ideal), apologize if he says something undue (wouldn't it be better just to avoid conversation entirely?), don't repress the feelings that he has (when it's always been so easy? please)... mm, it's all good advice, it's all sound even from someone who isn't a good litmus, and leo hums softly.]
You're still too green to be giving your big brother advice, Tsuka. ♪ But I know you're right. Sorry if I worried you any, it's been... mm, it's been a long week.
[because this has been going on the whole week, really. discovery, then the movies with miai and seeing proof there, and now this. things come in threes.]
But your big bro'll be fine from now on~. I promise, you won't have to look after me any; I know how to handle my heart, and I'll put my frustrations on paper instead of others' ears. How's that? We'll do watercolors together at the shrine, just like we used to..♪
[ he's always worried about his brother~. but he won't say that, preferring to squeeze him again before he pulls away. ]
That sounds fun. [ because it does. painting together again with leonii, just like old times... even if he's certainly improved since then. ] Didn't Baba used to say that if your heart was clouded, your painting would getting muddy though~? You should probably hold off on adding color and focus on sketches first, niisan.
Mm~. I like black and white anyway, and I'll just stick to piercings for the rest of the month. Don't wanna mess up a customer's tattoo with my bad mojo.
[he can admit that much. his playing doesn't feel any better either (your heart is clouded, he can hear baba in his mind) but it's not so heavy on his hands anymore, doesn't feel too loud and clunky. that's nice.]
Do you wanna play some? I'll let you have the chair. ♪
[leo moves as he's nudged, hugging onto his brother from behind instead.]
We'll have the change that, won't we~? I'll teach you any instrument you want -- and at all, Tsuka, no matter what it may be. ♪ For now, just press the keys however you'd like and a chord will form..~
[ just press the keys however, huh... tsukasa closes his eyes the way he's seen his brother do and drifting his fingers across the board. it takes him a moment, but he slowly presses down and smiles without even thinking about it at the sound that faintly comes from the headphones around his neck. ]
[music and art are the same, in the end. you move your hand and something happens, pretty and simple. you can put plenty of simple things together to make something more complex and majestic, but basics are beautiful as well. especially to those just starting, those who're seeing building blocks for the first time.]
Mm..? Like me, huh? [...] Nope, can't teach you that. ♪ You'll usurp my spot if I teach you how to play the bass~.
[and
he doesn't want tsukasa to follow him more than he does, really. the bass isn't exactly a stepping stone in that direction, but there's just something nagging at him to deny him this.]
'Kay. Classical instruments like that aren't usually my style, but I've heard bands use them for a really unique sound..♪ If I train you well enough, maybe I'll take the keyboard and let you be my first chair.
[that'd be interesting. leo starts to play too, just with one hand, slow and aiming to help tsukasa make a melody. he'd done with with nazuna too, but this isn't going to end with a confession and kiss.]
N-No, I couldn't... [ his fingers stall, curl into his palm. ] Leonii, not even as a joke, you know? Or, um, you shouldn't joke like that, I guess... is what I mean.
[ ...he does. it was terrifying, he was so incredibly nervous, he could've just run and hid, but being on there... seeing everyone's smiles, watching people perform as he supported in the background...
it was fun. tsukasa puts his hands in his lap, lips pressed together. sure, he does, but... ]
...Not with you. [ soft. ] I already made a promise to someone~. That I'd be monomusicalist. I can't just let them down, you know?
[monomusicalist, huh... that's cute. he rests their cheeks together.]
Well... I can understand that. You shouldn't let them down, not if they're important enough to bring you onto the stage, someone you want to share music with. But how about this? You're just using me as a stepping stone, to get used to the feel of it, so when you're on stage with your true partner you won't fumble.
[is that... enough to convince him, maybe? or is it still not enough?]
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Mmm... "Do you want to still have feelings for him?", "Does the joy outweigh the sorrow?", and "Can you truly enjoy yourself, or will you only be wracked by misery?", right?
[ of course he remembers them, ]
... The... person you were talking about then, the one who started looking elsewhere... [ ...was miai, right? ]
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[it's small and soft, that yeah. the playing is melodic and melancholic the longer it goes on, changing key and quieting, too. he clears his throat and inhales sharply, lifting his head a bit to try for a casual tone. like it's no big deal.]
We did break up because his circus was leaving Japan. Neither of us could really... do a long distance relationship, probably, because we liked clinging to each other too much. [and because miai was looking elsewhere, tired of japan and leo and what he could offer him, wanting new horizons and new experiences.] Even once we met up here again, we didn't... really get back together or anything, even though I found I still liked him a lot.
[his mistake, maybe. not saying something, not asking. but how could he? when miai would've looked elsewhere again, when miai's attention trained on him so avidly when they weren't dating.]
But we still hung out. Kissed and stuff like that. Went on dates, and I could always find a new way to entertain him, to have fun, that he'd readily agree to. Of course I still liked him, you know? Seeing him again shook all those feelings awake again.
[he's only saying so much, speaking so plainly, because tsukasa wants to be there for his heartbreak too. because he opened up and talked about his feelings for the people who were gone.]
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he's quiet, then reaches over to pick out a few notes of his own. ugh— he really is hopeless when he comes to this kind of thing, and he draws his hand back to pull the headphones down around his neck. ]
You should've said something, [ he finally replies, even though he's in absolutely no position to tell anyone that. he never said anything to hinata; he never said anything to anya; he'll never say anything to anyone, at this rate. ] Even if it was just, "I still like you, do you want to pick up where we left off?" or something like that... Even if the answer was no, or even if things ended up not working out again, wouldn't it be better than what you have now?
[ a beat. ]
You don't want to hear that from your cowardly little brother who can't do the same thing to start with though, I'm sure. [ siiigh. ] And if he looked elsewhere before, then there's a chance he would've done the same thing here too, even if I think people can change... Mmmm...
[ ...
there isn't an easy fix-all answer, and even if there was, tsukasa isn't sure it'd be simple, or that he'd be able to know what it is. is listening enough, this time? maybe he shouldn't say anything, or it'll blow up in his face again. ]
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[probably for the same reason leo hadn't; too afraid of what's changed, too afraid of what could change, a year together and so many apart. he's positive that he loved miai then. he knows he did, and he knows he does now, too. it'd hurt so much if he was rejected, even if he wouldn't have blamed miai.]
And I don't care if you're a hypocrite, Tsuka, your big brother's one too. All of humanity is. That's what defines us from other animals, you know? We don't say things to others and not do them ourselves because of survival, we do it because we're scared. Because it's easier to tell someone what they should do instead of try it ourselves.
[but
that is a little much, maybe, and he stretches out, up and down, trying to work his body out of its stiffness.]
Miai... Mm. I don't want your opinion of him to be too affected, because you've gotta remember we were sixteen, seventeen years old. Your age. We both were stupid, both young and thought things were what they weren't. But he was the type of person who always looked for what interested him most, see, and I aimed to be that. Wasn't hard. What was hard was keepin' that attention on me, when we started to fall into a rhythm and Miai's eyes looked for something new, someone new.
[he licks his lips, hesitating.]
Even when we were together. Especially then. I thought it was alright, since he'd always come back to me anyway, but I... knew it wasn't right. I just didn't want to say anything.
[because it was just a "miai" thing. because he understood how miai was, because he was scared of losing his first love, his first real relationship. this isn't stuff he's aired out to anyone and it feels almost lightening--
almost, but not quite.]
Kinda feels like a slap now. I should've, I know... I should've said anything -- but I couldn't. [and now. now-- now, he's ritsu's problem, and maybe that guy can entertain him.
but he thinks of the movie theater, how miai still dances the same way he always has with leo, and wonders. he won't make extra trouble for them. but he wonders.] And I don't know if I could anymore. I don't know if I could go out with Miai, not without being afraid of not being enough.
[even if miai had said he'd always been enough, that the people around him just hadn't appreciated that and hadn't returned it properly. hadn't treated him well enough. it's still a fear.]
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age has nothing to do with it; age isn't an excuse. he'd never— he knows so many people who would never—
he bites his tongue on it, miai's words from earlier in the month rolling around in his head too (that selfish people, like him and leo, have heavy weights on their shoulders; that they carry their caprice with them, the hurt they've caused others, no matter what; that they hurt from their decisions, too), and feels his anger melt away just a bit.
it was in the context of family, but maybe it could apply to this, too. if miai cared even a little bit about leo, if his brother wasn't just some sort of timewaster... his anger smolders quietly, and tsukasa frowns slightly. ]
...Then I'd say to give up on that. [ soft, because he's sure his voice would strain otherwise. ] Please find someone who will appreciate you properly, Leonii. Find someone you'll be "enough" for, because there's going to be someone who loves you for you... If even your idiot, untalented brother can find someone like that, then certainly for someone as incredible as you...
[ but that isn't easy either, given tsukasa continues to have trouble believing in this sort of thing himself, but— ]
Or... [ quiet. he knows leo likes nazuna, and he knows he likes miai. he might like sena. that's a lot of different things, and there's only two of those people he knows for certain how things might turn out. with nazuna, maybe it'd be okay. with sena, probably not.
he's almost certain his senpai, as much as he might like him, is still looking back at the ghost that disappeared when leo suzakura appeared on the app, is still struggling with his own memories and feelings that come from them. it isn't fair to put them through that. it isn't fair to put anyone through this kind of thing, and with a another sigh he leans all his weight on his brother. ] Or maybe we should all give up on love entirely...~ Leonii, this is complicated, isn't it?
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Maybe we should~. Love's a difficult thing, no matter how old you get..♪
[because matters of the heart aren't something he entirely understands either. as incomplete as miai feels, leo understands.]
Mm, but I know... I'm tryin', see. To give up on it. [bit by bit, he's been trying... or so he wants to say.] I just... I loved him a long time, Tsuka. Even when he didn't deserve it, even when he did, even when we were apart -- I loved him, and I can't forget that. He was my muse, my inspiration, my everything.
[hence
the change, suddenly, in leo's music. his grows softer now, so it doesn't strain, doesn't crack. he's smiling despite his words, a little resigned, more knowing than anything.]
Tsuka, don't put your entire life into one person. Not unless you know they can do the same for you. That's the lesson you can get from your big brother, who made someone his world and lost it in a day. Who has to watch a good friend have it instead and try not to hate it or him or them even if... even if it'd be easy to, even if it slips out.
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[ ......look, he knows, shut up— ]
If something slips out, then apologize. Not for feeling like that, because like Nazuna told me once, you can't really control how you feel about things... so you shouldn't feel guilty or anything? But for saying something that would probably hurt them. Um, I mean, everything aside, at the end of the day they both mean a lot to you. [ miai more so, maybe. another sigh, softer. ] I think that's what I'd do, too... but, um, maybe I'm not really the best litmus.
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he's trying to help his pitiful big brother and leo can appreciate that, so he doesn't say a word. hate it if he hates it (what's the point? making himself miserable isn't ideal), apologize if he says something undue (wouldn't it be better just to avoid conversation entirely?), don't repress the feelings that he has (when it's always been so easy? please)... mm, it's all good advice, it's all sound even from someone who isn't a good litmus, and leo hums softly.]
You're still too green to be giving your big brother advice, Tsuka. ♪ But I know you're right. Sorry if I worried you any, it's been... mm, it's been a long week.
[because this has been going on the whole week, really. discovery, then the movies with miai and seeing proof there, and now this. things come in threes.]
But your big bro'll be fine from now on~. I promise, you won't have to look after me any; I know how to handle my heart, and I'll put my frustrations on paper instead of others' ears. How's that? We'll do watercolors together at the shrine, just like we used to..♪
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That sounds fun. [ because it does. painting together again with leonii, just like old times... even if he's certainly improved since then. ] Didn't Baba used to say that if your heart was clouded, your painting would getting muddy though~? You should probably hold off on adding color and focus on sketches first, niisan.
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[he can admit that much. his playing doesn't feel any better either (your heart is clouded, he can hear baba in his mind) but it's not so heavy on his hands anymore, doesn't feel too loud and clunky. that's nice.]
Do you wanna play some? I'll let you have the chair. ♪
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[ even if he's nudging his brother out of the chair with his hip—sure he wants to play some, since... ]
Genuinely, too. I've never played an instrument before at all.
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We'll have the change that, won't we~? I'll teach you any instrument you want -- and at all, Tsuka, no matter what it may be. ♪ For now, just press the keys however you'd like and a chord will form..~
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Then... How about the bass, like you?
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Mm..? Like me, huh? [...] Nope, can't teach you that. ♪ You'll usurp my spot if I teach you how to play the bass~.
[and
he doesn't want tsukasa to follow him more than he does, really. the bass isn't exactly a stepping stone in that direction, but there's just something nagging at him to deny him this.]
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[ leo said anything. tsukasa keeps playing, notes hesitant and unmatched. ]
Mmm... Viola?
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[that'd be interesting. leo starts to play too, just with one hand, slow and aiming to help tsukasa make a melody. he'd done with with nazuna too, but this isn't going to end with a confession and kiss.]
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[ :sweat_drops: ]
N-No, I couldn't... [ his fingers stall, curl into his palm. ] Leonii, not even as a joke, you know? Or, um, you shouldn't joke like that, I guess... is what I mean.
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[a simple question, waltzing delicately across the keys in the other's absence.]
Just because you're not good right now doesn't mean you'll never be good, Tsuka. Just like with singing. Don't you want to feel the stage again?
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[ ...he does. it was terrifying, he was so incredibly nervous, he could've just run and hid, but being on there... seeing everyone's smiles, watching people perform as he supported in the background...
it was fun. tsukasa puts his hands in his lap, lips pressed together. sure, he does, but... ]
...Not with you. [ soft. ] I already made a promise to someone~. That I'd be monomusicalist. I can't just let them down, you know?
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[monomusicalist, huh... that's cute. he rests their cheeks together.]
Well... I can understand that. You shouldn't let them down, not if they're important enough to bring you onto the stage, someone you want to share music with. But how about this? You're just using me as a stepping stone, to get used to the feel of it, so when you're on stage with your true partner you won't fumble.
[is that... enough to convince him, maybe? or is it still not enough?]
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...Why do you want to perform with me?
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[a simple answer, now.]
Like I do with everyone I love... You and Baba, and-- others, too.
[miai. nazu. kuro and suzu.]
It's a selfish older brother's wish, so you don't have to listen to it... But at least once, I'd like to perform with you on the same stage.
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[ of course it's something as simple as that. ]
Um... mmm... [ ... ] Okay.
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he accepted ♪
leo's cuddling tsukasa with a happy hum, nuzzling his little brother. ♪]
Ya~y! It's a promise then, Tsuka, gimme your pinky!
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Pinky-promise~.
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