i can only get "good enoughs" when it comes to you, miai
[which spills out and leaves his text box before he realizes it, biting his lip and curling up further. he doesn't want to talk about this. but he started it now, his irritation inflamed by jealously and reminders slapped in his face.]
it was "good enough" when we were together and it's "good enough" now i'm used to it they're not gonna kill me don't underestimate me
[even if miai's right. at some point, "good enough" won't be "good enough", and running away might be the next option. again.]
miai really wants him to cry, huh. good thing he's not here to see it.]
i think much like you spoiling me if i went through all of them, it'd take all night and into the morning
[but that is his anger talking and it makes him uncomfortable, because miai's trying. and trying is what he does best. the dots continue for a time, pause, and then continue on. pause, then more dots.
he keeps erasing what he's gonna say and trying to retype it to no avail. he can't list them out like that. it feels wrong and hurtful, and he does love miai. he doesn't want to hurt him.]
even if you can't fix anything even if you can't make me feel better or you might not be able to do you still want to hear?
( he's waiting and it's stressful, but the message come in he isn't sure if he'd have preferred to get leo's list of grievances out of the blue with no warning, or have to acknowledge its preface, be forced to verbally confirm his answer.
it takes him several long seconds to answer, but when he types it the words come quick )
[because this really, really sucks. it comes out steadily, but faster nearing the end, because at that point he's rushing to get it all out.]
when we were together and something or someone else would catch your eye i wasn't fine with that, but it was "good enough" because you always came back so i thought that was okay. maybe relationships worked like that. maybe we were allowed to wander as long as we wandered together, but i didn't like it enough to really try the way you did all i ever saw was you but it was "good enough" because i loved you, and i thought you loved me too
i thought it was "good enough" when we ended our relationship too since you were leaving anyway and we were gonna keep contact and all it was mutual, probably, but it hurt and i wondered if it hurt for you too a year was "good enough", i guess, but i wish it could've been longer
and like, now? it's kind of the same as it was all those years ago? we're not together or anything so i don't have any right to feel jealous or mad or or anything like that but i do you always came back to me though. you said you couldn't find anyone as nice to hold, as warm and that was "good enough" too but i can't help but wonder if maybe rittsu is "good enough" for you and maybe the person i like is "good enough" for me
do i actually like him? or do i like what he can give me? i don't know he deserves better than me, but he can't spit it out to the person he does like so i guess i am "good enough" for now just like i was "good enough" for my parents and tsuka's "good enough" for them now and
i wish i was more than "good enough" for you i wish i was "just right" i don't know if we can be together and i don't know if i want to try because you're someone that frustrates me a lot sometimes though i'm sure you've noticed that i still love you though after all these years it's stupid sorry sorry miai
[god bless autocorrect because his ass can't see the damn screen at this point]
he reads the texts as they come in and he reads them over several times. it's soothing, in a way, the way a fire reaches a point so hot, it - for just a moment - becomes cool. just like the sun.
there isn't anything for a long time; not dots, not even a "read," because miai has that function off. there's a lot of places to begin, and, his throat choked tight, he can't find the right one.
but, well, leo warned him. there was no right one. this road was closed. he'd probably known that all along, but pretending otherwise was maybe just to soothe him, not leo. selfish, selfish. there's no right way to begin. )
i quit the circus it was when kyouya told me to come here, and said you were here too i never said anything because it doesn't mean anything at this point i turned that day over in my head for years and i've thought i should have chosen to stay with you but i had a sense that the roots ran deeper than that and i should have known i think i wanted you to ask if we could try again but i
don't apologize you've always been more than enough don't think less of yourself just because i'm incomplete, poison in this garden you are enough. it's us around you who aren't treating you well enough
i'm apologizing now not because i want forgiveness but because you deserve at least this much after all these years leo, shishiro, my silly little lion i love you too
[alone is the last thing he wants, even if he's not really alone. tsukasa'll be back within the hour. nazuna's in the other room. but leo's insides are clawing out and he grips his phone tighter, fingers sliding.]
i don't care if it hurts i don't want you to stop bothering me running away it doesn't solve anything, miai all it does is give you ghosts that haunt your footsteps
i don't want more ghosts i just want you even if we're just friends or something more but not quite together or not even that the days i spend with you are some of the happiest i have even when it's bad, even when i wish they weren't maybe it's because we're still kind of young? we're not tsuka's age anymore but we're not old we're some weird inbetween
please don't leave me again miai it's my selfish request we don't have to see each other for a little while, if that's what you want if that's what you think is best but i want to be able to talk to you in the future to watch stupid movies in the theaters together to jump across roofs and whatever else we wanna do you're important to me, miai i don't want you to be hurt either i don't want you to be lonely
[he is far, far too relieved at the reply, all wound up from the lack of one prior, and his heart thuds steadily in his chest. one-two, one-two.]
who cares who deserves what humans are allowed their faults, their sins we're not barred from shit just because we make mistakes
so if your guilt's from this, too then consider it heard god'll forgive you and so will i. that's me being kind
[leo's mostly just tired, emotionally spent, but
miai deserves this much, right? or is this the kind of thing you don't forgive..? mmmm, whatever.]
you were never "good enough" in my eyes anyway you were always that far off tight roper, the tamer on display the golden boy loved by the people around him even if you weren't perfect, even if you were incomplete i never thought of you that way or as poison i just thought of you as miai the guy i love
( that's probably the closest he's gotten to joking this entire time
still, now he's quiet for several long moments, at a loss. he ... does want those things, that fun, friendship, leo's warmth, and leo's words here soften him, but
if he takes advantage of leo's kindness again, no matter how much leo insists he's forgiven, then
regardless, it stings - hurts, maybe - because those words have a sense of finality, because there's no road here, because )
i'll think about it
to answer your question there's never been a replacement for you though i'd looked
you didn't talk about yours yet, miai i'm not going to let you slice me open and then not do the same to you it's not fair, you know always doing this
[maybe not always-always, but enough. leo'd always quietly accepted the end of conversations, or did it himself, unsatisfied.
... the admittance that it's always still just leo, that there's no replacement, hurts more than it brings him happiness, though, because--
they're both a little too late, no matter how much they might want it. maybe there could be a future for them again, but there's too much to work out right now to think about it.
and it wouldn't be fair to ritsu, to nazuna.]
i'll break into your place and shake you down if you don't or if you're not there, i know where rittsu lives too don't think either of us want him involved so talk to me if i'm always showing this stupid side of myself to you, then you can show me yours, can't you?
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[which spills out and leaves his text box before he realizes it, biting his lip and curling up further. he doesn't want to talk about this. but he started it now, his irritation inflamed by jealously and reminders slapped in his face.]
it was "good enough" when we were together
and it's "good enough" now
i'm used to it
they're not gonna kill me
don't underestimate me
[even if miai's right. at some point, "good enough" won't be "good enough", and running away might be the next option. again.]
no subject
mm. )
can you tell me?
even if it's just your anger
i'd like to know
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miai really wants him to cry, huh. good thing he's not here to see it.]
i think
much like you spoiling me
if i went through all of them, it'd take all night and into the morning
[but that is his anger talking and it makes him uncomfortable, because miai's trying. and trying is what he does best. the dots continue for a time, pause, and then continue on. pause, then more dots.
he keeps erasing what he's gonna say and trying to retype it to no avail. he can't list them out like that. it feels wrong and hurtful, and he does love miai. he doesn't want to hurt him.]
even if you can't fix anything
even if you can't make me feel better
or you might not be able to
do you still want to hear?
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it takes him several long seconds to answer, but when he types it the words come quick )
yes, i'd like that
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[because this really, really sucks. it comes out steadily, but faster nearing the end, because at that point he's rushing to get it all out.]
when we were together
and something or someone else would catch your eye
i wasn't fine with that, but it was "good enough" because you always came back
so i thought that was okay. maybe relationships worked like that. maybe we were allowed to wander as long as we wandered together, but i didn't like it enough to really try the way you did
all i ever saw was you
but it was "good enough" because i loved you, and i thought you loved me too
i thought it was "good enough" when we ended our relationship too
since you were leaving anyway
and we were gonna keep contact and all
it was mutual, probably, but it hurt
and i wondered if it hurt for you too
a year was "good enough", i guess, but i wish it could've been longer
and like, now? it's kind of the same as it was all those years ago?
we're not together or anything
so i don't have any right to feel jealous or mad or
or anything like that
but i do
you always came back to me though. you said you couldn't find anyone as nice to hold, as warm
and that was "good enough" too
but
i can't help but wonder
if maybe rittsu is "good enough" for you
and maybe the person i like is "good enough" for me
do i actually like him? or do i like what he can give me?
i don't know
he deserves better than me, but he can't spit it out to the person he does like
so i guess i am "good enough"
for now
just like i was "good enough" for my parents and tsuka's "good enough" for them now and
i wish i was more than "good enough" for you
i wish i was "just right"
i don't know if we can be together and i don't know if i want to try
because you're someone that frustrates me a lot sometimes
though i'm sure you've noticed that
i still love you though
after all these years
it's stupid
sorry
sorry miai
[god bless autocorrect because his ass can't see the damn screen at this point]
no subject
he reads the texts as they come in and he reads them over several times. it's soothing, in a way, the way a fire reaches a point so hot, it - for just a moment - becomes cool. just like the sun.
there isn't anything for a long time; not dots, not even a "read," because miai has that function off. there's a lot of places to begin, and, his throat choked tight, he can't find the right one.
but, well, leo warned him. there was no right one. this road was closed. he'd probably known that all along, but pretending otherwise was maybe just to soothe him, not leo. selfish, selfish. there's no right way to begin. )
i quit the circus
it was when kyouya told me to come here, and said you were here too
i never said anything because it doesn't mean anything
at this point
i turned that day over in my head for years and i've thought
i should have chosen to stay with you
but i had a sense that
the roots ran deeper than that
and i should have known
i think i wanted you to ask
if we could try again
but i
don't apologize
you've always been
more than enough
don't think less of yourself just because i'm incomplete,
poison in this garden
you are enough.
it's us around you who aren't treating you
well enough
i'm apologizing now not
because i want forgiveness but because
you deserve at least this much
after all these years
leo, shishiro, my silly little lion
i love you too
i won't bother you anymore
i've only hurt you
no subject
stay
[alone is the last thing he wants, even if he's not really alone. tsukasa'll be back within the hour. nazuna's in the other room. but leo's insides are clawing out and he grips his phone tighter, fingers sliding.]
i don't care if it hurts
i don't want you to stop bothering me
running away
it doesn't solve anything, miai
all it does is give you ghosts that haunt your footsteps
i don't want more ghosts
i just want you
even if we're just friends or something more but not quite together
or not even that
the days i spend with you are some of the happiest i have
even when it's bad, even when i wish they weren't
maybe it's because we're still kind of young?
we're not tsuka's age anymore
but we're not old
we're some weird inbetween
please don't leave me again miai
it's my selfish request
we don't
have to see each other for a little while, if that's what you want
if that's what you think is best
but i want to be able to talk to you in the future
to watch stupid movies in the theaters together
to jump across roofs and whatever else we wanna do
you're important to me, miai
i don't want you to be hurt either
i don't want you to be lonely
no subject
at the last moment, he starts to type. this time the words are written out slow: )
are you saying this because
it's good enough, even if it hurts?
you're kinder than i deserve
no subject
who cares who deserves what
humans are allowed their faults, their sins
we're not barred from shit just because we make mistakes
so
if your guilt's from this, too
then consider it heard
god'll forgive you
and
so will i. that's me being kind
[leo's mostly just tired, emotionally spent, but
miai deserves this much, right? or is this the kind of thing you don't forgive..? mmmm, whatever.]
you were never "good enough" in my eyes anyway
you were always that far off tight roper, the tamer on display
the golden boy loved by the people around him
even if you weren't perfect, even if you were incomplete
i never thought of you that way
or as poison
i just thought of you as miai
the guy i love
no subject
( that's probably the closest he's gotten to joking this entire time
still, now he's quiet for several long moments, at a loss. he ... does want those things, that fun, friendship, leo's warmth, and leo's words here soften him, but
if he takes advantage of leo's kindness again, no matter how much leo insists he's forgiven, then
regardless, it stings - hurts, maybe - because those words have a sense of finality, because there's no road here, because )
i'll think about it
to answer your question
there's never been a replacement for you
though i'd looked
there's only you
( pause, then exhale )
good night, sleep well
it's getting late
( evidently, he planned to end this here )
no subject
i'm not going to let you slice me open and then not do the same to you
it's not fair, you know
always doing this
[maybe not always-always, but enough. leo'd always quietly accepted the end of conversations, or did it himself, unsatisfied.
... the admittance that it's always still just leo, that there's no replacement, hurts more than it brings him happiness, though, because--
they're both a little too late, no matter how much they might want it. maybe there could be a future for them again, but there's too much to work out right now to think about it.
and it wouldn't be fair to ritsu, to nazuna.]
i'll break into your place and shake you down if you don't
or if you're not there, i know where rittsu lives too
don't think either of us want him involved
so talk to me
if i'm always showing this stupid side of myself to you, then you can show me yours, can't you?
no subject
you're right but
can we talk about it a little later?
i don't remember what i was upset about
( which sounds. weird without explaining but he can't really explain right now )
no subject
sure
sorry
sleep well, aiai
whenever you manage it
no subject
he doesn't respond, but he does read it )