[maybe the worst is how unaware leo is; he loves nazuna so much, even if he's not in love with nazuna, and he's happy, content, perfectly fine with this.
sure, things aren't. perfect. he thinks of miai more than he should, he doesn't mind the attention sena has towards him, but he loves nazuna and pushes all of that aside for him. he pushes a lot aside for nazuna, for the nitos, and it's nice to belong someplace. it's nice to have a home.
(it's not quite as home as-- well, he won't think of it, not when there's nazuna at the door, voice soft.
soft, and with a weight in word choice that washes a familiar feeling over him ("my cute little shishi, i have something to tell you").)]
Course~. Come in, babe, I'm not doin' anything important.
[just. writing songs, you know. getting used to actually putting them to paper over composing them on the keyboard. even if he's sitting at it, leo's got a clipboard and music sheets, a pen trapped between his teeth.]
[ the anxiety starts falling into his stomach the minute leo responds back, with the cute nickname. it still spikes something in his chest, a warm little skip, but it winds around the guilt like a rock and pulls it downwards, making it hurt more.
he takes a deep breath and shuts the door behind him, turning to do so, taking the second to compose himself. nazuna doesn't want to do this badly. he doesn't want to hurt leo, the feeling more pressing than anything else, but a conversation like this--he has to. he's going to.
turning back around, he makes his way over and sits down on leo's bed. nazuna folds his fingers together, letting them knead in and out just for something to do with his hands. his heartbeat's so loud in his ears it makes thinking feel impossible, makes his tongue feel even heavier than normal. ] I...
[ he trails off, a little softer, and reaches up to mess with the long piece on his bangs, just for a second. he's not sure where to start that isn't just saying it, so nazuna takes a shot in the dark, to the thing that made him start considering this in the first place. ] I sat down and made a list this morning of everything that I remembered from the summer and tried to compare it with everything I know now. It's...been a really confusing week.
[leo hums in acknowledgement of the start, notes turning into single marks that dot across the margins of his sheets.
... he doesn't want to assume, he doesn't want to think, so won't. it's nothing, it's nothing.]
So what'd you come up with~? Mm, I mean, I get it too... There's things I remember with you that're different than what they are now, but I try not to think about 'em too much. The present's the present, you know?
[like he's always thought... though he's clearly up to talking with nazuna about things, setting the clipboard aside to give his attention to the other.]
Well, there's the stuff about my mom and dad. [ that's the thing he'd been the most upset about, by far: nazuna had picked up the phone and called home the moment everything came back to him, crying in his room listening to his mom's voice on the other end. it had been emotional, she'd teased him about being like a little kid again, he'd gotten embarrassed, but he'd never felt more relieved in his entire life.
that's the first thing that sticks out, though. nazuna shrugs his shoulders, the gesture smaller than usual, and lets his hands drop a little uselessly into his lap. ] And...we hadn't been living together that long, especially not with all of my siblings.
[ a pause. he realizes how that sounded, which is not how he wants this conversation to actually go, so nazuna puts up his hands, pinkening a little. ] Not that I mind living with you, or anything! I'm kind of glad that's still the same.
[ "kind of" is still a little more callous than he meant for it to come off, too. ugh. he's failing at this miserably. nazuna huffs. ] I forgot a lot of my friends, too. Apochin, Clover...even Kurochin.
[ the anxiety wells again, a little squeeze in his stomach. ]
[kind of....... leo glances away, kicking his foot idly. kind of. he shouldn't put so much onto things like that, or the awkward phrasing of living together in the first place, but. he's a little bit on a heightened alert whether he wants to be or not, memories of the end of his first year in japan swimming in his head. that hadn't been any different, of the oddities he's remembered so far about yet another leo, but
he kind of wishes it had been. hhhhhh. he shouldn't.]
... So what're you bringing all of it up for? [he doesn't mean for it to come out so bluntly, but it does.] I mean, is there somethin' wrong?
[he. doesn't know what would be "something wrong", and nazuna probably should've just thrown the dart at the board instead of trying to do it with his eyes closed, but this is where they are now.]
[ the bluntness helps, actually. there's no more beating around the bush, and he's not really the type of person to do so, not any more. nazuna likes to think he's good at regarding other people's feelings, that he's a considerate and kind niichan, but so many years of not having any proper social interaction made things-- well, sometimes he puts his foot in his mouth.
his brow knits together as he thinks over his response, just for a moment. ] There's... not with you, no.
[ that's cliche, isn't it? "it's not you, it's me." nazuna's eyes close, pinching shut briefly like he's reprimanding himself mentally (he is), but he keeps speaking. ] There's nothing about this I regret, but I can't... I don't--
[ he stops. ] Leochin, you're really, really important to me. You always have been, you know? And I like you, I promise. I don't think I'm any good at saying it, and I know I'm not really that good at being--at dating, either. I'm too busy, and I don't ever think about doing things for it, and...maybe the person I was over the summer was better.
[ that's it. that's the line of conversation he wants to hold onto. he curls his hands together in his lap and looks at leo properly, keeps his chin high. ] But that wasn't me. With all these memories, and all this new stuff, I feel like I don't really know who I am anymore, and that's... I don't want to feel like that again.
[ though that anxious little knot stays there, the thought of losing someone like leo ever present, he's found a little confidence here. he knows this won't work. after watching mizuki, miai, after everything he's seen, the things he remembered and the things he didn't... it's not going to work. this is the right thing to do. he's sure of it. (even if it hurts. even if it aches, even if a part of him wants to apologize...he's going to hold his head up high. as the man in his memories said: you have to heal. ] I want to know, by myself. Even if it's a really hard journey, I have to figure it out. That doesn't mean that I don't want you in my life, or that I hate you--I couldn't, there's no way, but I think... I think we have to stop.
[i think we have to stop, he says, and funny enough everything sort of. does.
leo's foot drops and his fingers curl against each other tensely, but. of course it wouldn't work out. they were too different, in -- in any life they remembered, maybe, nazuna being too good and too warm and too accepting and leo... being leo, who couldn't quite let go of the past, whose heart was far too large for any one person, who couldn't say directly what he felt or what might bother him.
ah, even now, he hadn't talked to nazuna about what he'd talked to miai about in the bar. how he was afraid of not feeling enough. that he wasn't good, that he was a little afraid of-- of this outcome, that it wouldn't last. the good things in life never do, and though nazuna'd assured him of his presence and how wonderful it was, how good things were when they were together despite their separate business, despite-- a lot,
leo can't help the lump in his throat, the voices that whisper insidious things about how he couldn't even make this work. nazuna was so good, too good, and of course it wouldn't last.
(his own fault, he can't help but feel, even with nazuna's explanation.)]
...'kay. [it's a little quiet, voice gone, and leo swerves in his seat to the keyboard. he doesn't want to hurt nazuna, even now, so he doesn't want the other to see his expression.] If that's what you want, Nazu, that's alright. I know what it's like to wanna find yourself, you know? That's why I ran away in the first place.
[and now he wants to run away all over again, feet itching to pound pavement and some other reason to feel choked.]
I... I've really enjoyed all this too. Bein' with you. And everyone else, even if... it wasn't really like that..? [it's all kinds of weird this summer.] It... felt like I had a home again, and I appreciated that. I needed it.
[past tense, past tense, past tense. there's a million words fighting inside his mind and he can't begin to figure out what to say, confessions of guilt and wanting to guilt and
[ it hurts. the easy acceptance, the soft "kay"--he's heard that before. he's been the one to comfort him when he's been that upset, never the one to cause it. nazuna's chest squeezes hard, too, but he has to stay strong. he can't falter here, because even if this hurts right now, in the long run, it's going to be better. for the both of them, for the people they are, for who they want to be. ]
I have too. [ he says it softly, looking down at his hands when leo looks away. there's the choke of tears somewhere, burning at the back of his throat, but there's not a chance he's going to let them come out. ] Even just like this, you taught me so much. And--this place, my house, it's always a home for you.
[ it feels flimsy to say that, even if he means it. he really does. he doesn't want to lose leo as a friend. roommates don't even matter--he could care less. ] Even if you don't want to be here, whenever you do, my--our door's still always open.
[ he tries for a smile, and that feels a little flimsy, too. it looks sad on his face, out of place as he curls his fingers together again gently in his lap. ] I think there's someone out there who you love more than you've ever told me. [ miai, the way leo had crawled into his bed when he appeared for the first time, the way he talks about him with that twin of adoration and suffering, the way nazuna wanted to help him make it better and keep him safe from it at the same time. ] And...I think there's someone out there who loves you more than I ever could, too.
[ the look on mizuki's face, burned into his consciousness when he returned back to himself. (the look on kuro's when nazuna woke up from his retrospec induced coma.) ] And that...doesn't make me love you as my friend any less. I promise.
[ he swallows down the lump in his throat and stands again, gently brushing off his lap. ] I'll--I'll get out of your hair. [ he takes a step away, another, forces himself to remember this is the right thing to do, and adds when he gets near the door, hand resting on the frame, his voice soft: ] ...I'm sorry.
[he's not sure of the latter, but he knows immediately who the first is; it burns his face the way it does his heart, his eyes, and he clatters his fingers against the keyboard in frustration, turning to face the withdrawing nazuna--]
It's not about some stupid journey at all, is it?! It's because you don't-- you don't believe me when I tell you I love you, do you? Does it matter if I love someone else? I'm with you, aren't I? Haven't I-- Haven't I said enough how happy I am with you, how comforting you are, how--
[his voice cracks just enough for him to stop, a shuddering breath riding through him. he's half-standing now, one hand gripping his keyboard and the other clutched in his shirt, but he can't hide his face now, how terrified and frustrated and sad he is. hurt, too, is clear.]
I... Nazu, I can't... do this. [it's. weird to hear, maybe, even given his heartache over his first love, the adoration and suffering in spades.] I've already lost too much, why do I have to lose you too..? Why can't I... just have one good thing that stays?
[leo knows, logically, that this isn't fair; not a single word of it is, but he's desperate. he's clinging. even if nazuna's door is open, even if it's still their place, it suddenly feels hostile and lonely. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't, not right now, not for-- for whatever time, but nazuna's blocking the door and leo's a shitty person.]
[ nazuna flinches when the keyboard clatters, because he knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. not that he has any excuse or reason to feel "hurt", in his own mind. nazuna deserves this. he knows he does. he's a terrible person, too, to hurt leo like this when he's already down. he deserves every single word, every insult he might hurl, anything he might say.
it's why he doesn't fight back. nazuna doesn't shout or say anything back, or try to defend himself. he turns his head back to look over his shoulder, again, fingers squeezing tight against the door frame--don't cry, don't cry, you asked for this, don't cry--and not letting go. ]
I never doubted that. I still don't. [ that he was happy, that he loved him, that he liked it here. he likes to think that it was a good experience for them both, no matter how retrospec messed with their lives and turned them upside down. leo had been a constant. he always has been.
looking at him hurts. it aches. he does his best to put on a tiny smile, something to keep his own feelings at bay, shoving them down as far as they'll go. this is for the better. it has to be. it doesn't reach his eyes, and he doesn't know what to say, feels the desperate urge to put a bandaid on it and hug him and tell him he didn't mean it, but he's torn it off and ruined it and it's too late, now. ] I'm so sorry.
[ he says it again and it's not enough. he's sorry he's a failure at this. he's sorry that leo's hurting because of him, that he can't try and fix it. that being 'everyone's niichan' as a front doesn't always separate him from just being nazuna, clumsy and awkward and useless at doing anything besides work. he can't say "i'm not going anywhere" because he is. he's pulling away just that little bit, even if he wants to stay close. even if he wants to keep this person who he treasures. his friend, someone who made him love music again, someone who taught him a million things outside of his comfort zone.
nazuna steps out of the way of the door this time, because he knows leo (and that hurts too.) he knows he won't be here. he's not sure the next time he'll want to be. ] I'm... [ he starts to add--i'm not going anywhere, you won't lose me, i'm here-- then stops, falters. ] I'll be in my room.
[ it's an out. it's a chance for him to escape. but if leo wants to yell at him more, he can: he'll take every word of it. ]
[he doesn't doubt it, and he never did. leo deflates at the smile (why is nazuna even trying? why can't he just-- be honest? god, this really is his type, isn't it?) and hesitates, striding out the open doorway
and pausing, because apparently his hurt just needs to lash--]
Hope you find happiness with whoever. That you're not sorry with them and you can actually feel the way you want when you need to instead of hidin' being a fucking smile while breakin' up with me.
[and it's cowardly, but he's definitely-- definitely getting out as fast as he can, even if he doesn't... really have anywhere he wants to go. he'll come for his phone later. maybe some valuables too. but for now he's leaving everything but his sore and speared heart behind.]
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sure, things aren't. perfect. he thinks of miai more than he should, he doesn't mind the attention sena has towards him, but he loves nazuna and pushes all of that aside for him. he pushes a lot aside for nazuna, for the nitos, and it's nice to belong someplace. it's nice to have a home.
(it's not quite as home as-- well, he won't think of it, not when there's nazuna at the door, voice soft.
soft, and with a weight in word choice that washes a familiar feeling over him ("my cute little shishi, i have something to tell you").)]
Course~. Come in, babe, I'm not doin' anything important.
[just. writing songs, you know. getting used to actually putting them to paper over composing them on the keyboard. even if he's sitting at it, leo's got a clipboard and music sheets, a pen trapped between his teeth.]
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he takes a deep breath and shuts the door behind him, turning to do so, taking the second to compose himself. nazuna doesn't want to do this badly. he doesn't want to hurt leo, the feeling more pressing than anything else, but a conversation like this--he has to. he's going to.
turning back around, he makes his way over and sits down on leo's bed. nazuna folds his fingers together, letting them knead in and out just for something to do with his hands. his heartbeat's so loud in his ears it makes thinking feel impossible, makes his tongue feel even heavier than normal. ] I...
[ he trails off, a little softer, and reaches up to mess with the long piece on his bangs, just for a second. he's not sure where to start that isn't just saying it, so nazuna takes a shot in the dark, to the thing that made him start considering this in the first place. ] I sat down and made a list this morning of everything that I remembered from the summer and tried to compare it with everything I know now. It's...been a really confusing week.
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... he doesn't want to assume, he doesn't want to think, so won't. it's nothing, it's nothing.]
So what'd you come up with~? Mm, I mean, I get it too... There's things I remember with you that're different than what they are now, but I try not to think about 'em too much. The present's the present, you know?
[like he's always thought... though he's clearly up to talking with nazuna about things, setting the clipboard aside to give his attention to the other.]
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that's the first thing that sticks out, though. nazuna shrugs his shoulders, the gesture smaller than usual, and lets his hands drop a little uselessly into his lap. ] And...we hadn't been living together that long, especially not with all of my siblings.
[ a pause. he realizes how that sounded, which is not how he wants this conversation to actually go, so nazuna puts up his hands, pinkening a little. ] Not that I mind living with you, or anything! I'm kind of glad that's still the same.
[ "kind of" is still a little more callous than he meant for it to come off, too. ugh. he's failing at this miserably. nazuna huffs. ] I forgot a lot of my friends, too. Apochin, Clover...even Kurochin.
[ the anxiety wells again, a little squeeze in his stomach. ]
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he kind of wishes it had been. hhhhhh. he shouldn't.]
... So what're you bringing all of it up for? [he doesn't mean for it to come out so bluntly, but it does.] I mean, is there somethin' wrong?
[he. doesn't know what would be "something wrong", and nazuna probably should've just thrown the dart at the board instead of trying to do it with his eyes closed, but this is where they are now.]
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his brow knits together as he thinks over his response, just for a moment. ] There's... not with you, no.
[ that's cliche, isn't it? "it's not you, it's me." nazuna's eyes close, pinching shut briefly like he's reprimanding himself mentally (he is), but he keeps speaking. ] There's nothing about this I regret, but I can't... I don't--
[ he stops. ] Leochin, you're really, really important to me. You always have been, you know? And I like you, I promise. I don't think I'm any good at saying it, and I know I'm not really that good at being--at dating, either. I'm too busy, and I don't ever think about doing things for it, and...maybe the person I was over the summer was better.
[ that's it. that's the line of conversation he wants to hold onto. he curls his hands together in his lap and looks at leo properly, keeps his chin high. ] But that wasn't me. With all these memories, and all this new stuff, I feel like I don't really know who I am anymore, and that's... I don't want to feel like that again.
[ though that anxious little knot stays there, the thought of losing someone like leo ever present, he's found a little confidence here. he knows this won't work. after watching mizuki, miai, after everything he's seen, the things he remembered and the things he didn't... it's not going to work. this is the right thing to do. he's sure of it. (even if it hurts. even if it aches, even if a part of him wants to apologize...he's going to hold his head up high. as the man in his memories said: you have to heal. ] I want to know, by myself. Even if it's a really hard journey, I have to figure it out. That doesn't mean that I don't want you in my life, or that I hate you--I couldn't, there's no way, but I think... I think we have to stop.
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leo's foot drops and his fingers curl against each other tensely, but. of course it wouldn't work out. they were too different, in -- in any life they remembered, maybe, nazuna being too good and too warm and too accepting and leo... being leo, who couldn't quite let go of the past, whose heart was far too large for any one person, who couldn't say directly what he felt or what might bother him.
ah, even now, he hadn't talked to nazuna about what he'd talked to miai about in the bar. how he was afraid of not feeling enough. that he wasn't good, that he was a little afraid of-- of this outcome, that it wouldn't last. the good things in life never do, and though nazuna'd assured him of his presence and how wonderful it was, how good things were when they were together despite their separate business, despite-- a lot,
leo can't help the lump in his throat, the voices that whisper insidious things about how he couldn't even make this work. nazuna was so good, too good, and of course it wouldn't last.
(his own fault, he can't help but feel, even with nazuna's explanation.)]
...'kay. [it's a little quiet, voice gone, and leo swerves in his seat to the keyboard. he doesn't want to hurt nazuna, even now, so he doesn't want the other to see his expression.] If that's what you want, Nazu, that's alright. I know what it's like to wanna find yourself, you know? That's why I ran away in the first place.
[and now he wants to run away all over again, feet itching to pound pavement and some other reason to feel choked.]
I... I've really enjoyed all this too. Bein' with you. And everyone else, even if... it wasn't really like that..? [it's all kinds of weird this summer.] It... felt like I had a home again, and I appreciated that. I needed it.
[past tense, past tense, past tense. there's a million words fighting inside his mind and he can't begin to figure out what to say, confessions of guilt and wanting to guilt and
so
so much.]
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I have too. [ he says it softly, looking down at his hands when leo looks away. there's the choke of tears somewhere, burning at the back of his throat, but there's not a chance he's going to let them come out. ] Even just like this, you taught me so much. And--this place, my house, it's always a home for you.
[ it feels flimsy to say that, even if he means it. he really does. he doesn't want to lose leo as a friend. roommates don't even matter--he could care less. ] Even if you don't want to be here, whenever you do, my--our door's still always open.
[ he tries for a smile, and that feels a little flimsy, too. it looks sad on his face, out of place as he curls his fingers together again gently in his lap. ] I think there's someone out there who you love more than you've ever told me. [ miai, the way leo had crawled into his bed when he appeared for the first time, the way he talks about him with that twin of adoration and suffering, the way nazuna wanted to help him make it better and keep him safe from it at the same time. ] And...I think there's someone out there who loves you more than I ever could, too.
[ the look on mizuki's face, burned into his consciousness when he returned back to himself. (the look on kuro's when nazuna woke up from his retrospec induced coma.) ] And that...doesn't make me love you as my friend any less. I promise.
[ he swallows down the lump in his throat and stands again, gently brushing off his lap. ] I'll--I'll get out of your hair. [ he takes a step away, another, forces himself to remember this is the right thing to do, and adds when he gets near the door, hand resting on the frame, his voice soft: ] ...I'm sorry.
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It's not about some stupid journey at all, is it?! It's because you don't-- you don't believe me when I tell you I love you, do you? Does it matter if I love someone else? I'm with you, aren't I? Haven't I-- Haven't I said enough how happy I am with you, how comforting you are, how--
[his voice cracks just enough for him to stop, a shuddering breath riding through him. he's half-standing now, one hand gripping his keyboard and the other clutched in his shirt, but he can't hide his face now, how terrified and frustrated and sad he is. hurt, too, is clear.]
I... Nazu, I can't... do this. [it's. weird to hear, maybe, even given his heartache over his first love, the adoration and suffering in spades.] I've already lost too much, why do I have to lose you too..? Why can't I... just have one good thing that stays?
[leo knows, logically, that this isn't fair; not a single word of it is, but he's desperate. he's clinging. even if nazuna's door is open, even if it's still their place, it suddenly feels hostile and lonely. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't, not right now, not for-- for whatever time, but nazuna's blocking the door and leo's a shitty person.]
no subject
it's why he doesn't fight back. nazuna doesn't shout or say anything back, or try to defend himself. he turns his head back to look over his shoulder, again, fingers squeezing tight against the door frame--don't cry, don't cry, you asked for this, don't cry--and not letting go. ]
I never doubted that. I still don't. [ that he was happy, that he loved him, that he liked it here. he likes to think that it was a good experience for them both, no matter how retrospec messed with their lives and turned them upside down. leo had been a constant. he always has been.
looking at him hurts. it aches. he does his best to put on a tiny smile, something to keep his own feelings at bay, shoving them down as far as they'll go. this is for the better. it has to be. it doesn't reach his eyes, and he doesn't know what to say, feels the desperate urge to put a bandaid on it and hug him and tell him he didn't mean it, but he's torn it off and ruined it and it's too late, now. ] I'm so sorry.
[ he says it again and it's not enough. he's sorry he's a failure at this. he's sorry that leo's hurting because of him, that he can't try and fix it. that being 'everyone's niichan' as a front doesn't always separate him from just being nazuna, clumsy and awkward and useless at doing anything besides work. he can't say "i'm not going anywhere" because he is. he's pulling away just that little bit, even if he wants to stay close. even if he wants to keep this person who he treasures. his friend, someone who made him love music again, someone who taught him a million things outside of his comfort zone.
nazuna steps out of the way of the door this time, because he knows leo (and that hurts too.) he knows he won't be here. he's not sure the next time he'll want to be. ] I'm... [ he starts to add--i'm not going anywhere, you won't lose me, i'm here-- then stops, falters. ] I'll be in my room.
[ it's an out. it's a chance for him to escape. but if leo wants to yell at him more, he can: he'll take every word of it. ]
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and pausing, because apparently his hurt just needs to lash--]
Hope you find happiness with whoever. That you're not sorry with them and you can actually feel the way you want when you need to instead of hidin' being a fucking smile while breakin' up with me.
[and it's cowardly, but he's definitely-- definitely getting out as fast as he can, even if he doesn't... really have anywhere he wants to go. he'll come for his phone later. maybe some valuables too. but for now he's leaving everything but his sore and speared heart behind.]