[he's not sure of the latter, but he knows immediately who the first is; it burns his face the way it does his heart, his eyes, and he clatters his fingers against the keyboard in frustration, turning to face the withdrawing nazuna--]
It's not about some stupid journey at all, is it?! It's because you don't-- you don't believe me when I tell you I love you, do you? Does it matter if I love someone else? I'm with you, aren't I? Haven't I-- Haven't I said enough how happy I am with you, how comforting you are, how--
[his voice cracks just enough for him to stop, a shuddering breath riding through him. he's half-standing now, one hand gripping his keyboard and the other clutched in his shirt, but he can't hide his face now, how terrified and frustrated and sad he is. hurt, too, is clear.]
I... Nazu, I can't... do this. [it's. weird to hear, maybe, even given his heartache over his first love, the adoration and suffering in spades.] I've already lost too much, why do I have to lose you too..? Why can't I... just have one good thing that stays?
[leo knows, logically, that this isn't fair; not a single word of it is, but he's desperate. he's clinging. even if nazuna's door is open, even if it's still their place, it suddenly feels hostile and lonely. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't, not right now, not for-- for whatever time, but nazuna's blocking the door and leo's a shitty person.]
[ nazuna flinches when the keyboard clatters, because he knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. not that he has any excuse or reason to feel "hurt", in his own mind. nazuna deserves this. he knows he does. he's a terrible person, too, to hurt leo like this when he's already down. he deserves every single word, every insult he might hurl, anything he might say.
it's why he doesn't fight back. nazuna doesn't shout or say anything back, or try to defend himself. he turns his head back to look over his shoulder, again, fingers squeezing tight against the door frame--don't cry, don't cry, you asked for this, don't cry--and not letting go. ]
I never doubted that. I still don't. [ that he was happy, that he loved him, that he liked it here. he likes to think that it was a good experience for them both, no matter how retrospec messed with their lives and turned them upside down. leo had been a constant. he always has been.
looking at him hurts. it aches. he does his best to put on a tiny smile, something to keep his own feelings at bay, shoving them down as far as they'll go. this is for the better. it has to be. it doesn't reach his eyes, and he doesn't know what to say, feels the desperate urge to put a bandaid on it and hug him and tell him he didn't mean it, but he's torn it off and ruined it and it's too late, now. ] I'm so sorry.
[ he says it again and it's not enough. he's sorry he's a failure at this. he's sorry that leo's hurting because of him, that he can't try and fix it. that being 'everyone's niichan' as a front doesn't always separate him from just being nazuna, clumsy and awkward and useless at doing anything besides work. he can't say "i'm not going anywhere" because he is. he's pulling away just that little bit, even if he wants to stay close. even if he wants to keep this person who he treasures. his friend, someone who made him love music again, someone who taught him a million things outside of his comfort zone.
nazuna steps out of the way of the door this time, because he knows leo (and that hurts too.) he knows he won't be here. he's not sure the next time he'll want to be. ] I'm... [ he starts to add--i'm not going anywhere, you won't lose me, i'm here-- then stops, falters. ] I'll be in my room.
[ it's an out. it's a chance for him to escape. but if leo wants to yell at him more, he can: he'll take every word of it. ]
[he doesn't doubt it, and he never did. leo deflates at the smile (why is nazuna even trying? why can't he just-- be honest? god, this really is his type, isn't it?) and hesitates, striding out the open doorway
and pausing, because apparently his hurt just needs to lash--]
Hope you find happiness with whoever. That you're not sorry with them and you can actually feel the way you want when you need to instead of hidin' being a fucking smile while breakin' up with me.
[and it's cowardly, but he's definitely-- definitely getting out as fast as he can, even if he doesn't... really have anywhere he wants to go. he'll come for his phone later. maybe some valuables too. but for now he's leaving everything but his sore and speared heart behind.]
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It's not about some stupid journey at all, is it?! It's because you don't-- you don't believe me when I tell you I love you, do you? Does it matter if I love someone else? I'm with you, aren't I? Haven't I-- Haven't I said enough how happy I am with you, how comforting you are, how--
[his voice cracks just enough for him to stop, a shuddering breath riding through him. he's half-standing now, one hand gripping his keyboard and the other clutched in his shirt, but he can't hide his face now, how terrified and frustrated and sad he is. hurt, too, is clear.]
I... Nazu, I can't... do this. [it's. weird to hear, maybe, even given his heartache over his first love, the adoration and suffering in spades.] I've already lost too much, why do I have to lose you too..? Why can't I... just have one good thing that stays?
[leo knows, logically, that this isn't fair; not a single word of it is, but he's desperate. he's clinging. even if nazuna's door is open, even if it's still their place, it suddenly feels hostile and lonely. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't, not right now, not for-- for whatever time, but nazuna's blocking the door and leo's a shitty person.]
no subject
it's why he doesn't fight back. nazuna doesn't shout or say anything back, or try to defend himself. he turns his head back to look over his shoulder, again, fingers squeezing tight against the door frame--don't cry, don't cry, you asked for this, don't cry--and not letting go. ]
I never doubted that. I still don't. [ that he was happy, that he loved him, that he liked it here. he likes to think that it was a good experience for them both, no matter how retrospec messed with their lives and turned them upside down. leo had been a constant. he always has been.
looking at him hurts. it aches. he does his best to put on a tiny smile, something to keep his own feelings at bay, shoving them down as far as they'll go. this is for the better. it has to be. it doesn't reach his eyes, and he doesn't know what to say, feels the desperate urge to put a bandaid on it and hug him and tell him he didn't mean it, but he's torn it off and ruined it and it's too late, now. ] I'm so sorry.
[ he says it again and it's not enough. he's sorry he's a failure at this. he's sorry that leo's hurting because of him, that he can't try and fix it. that being 'everyone's niichan' as a front doesn't always separate him from just being nazuna, clumsy and awkward and useless at doing anything besides work. he can't say "i'm not going anywhere" because he is. he's pulling away just that little bit, even if he wants to stay close. even if he wants to keep this person who he treasures. his friend, someone who made him love music again, someone who taught him a million things outside of his comfort zone.
nazuna steps out of the way of the door this time, because he knows leo (and that hurts too.) he knows he won't be here. he's not sure the next time he'll want to be. ] I'm... [ he starts to add--i'm not going anywhere, you won't lose me, i'm here-- then stops, falters. ] I'll be in my room.
[ it's an out. it's a chance for him to escape. but if leo wants to yell at him more, he can: he'll take every word of it. ]
no subject
and pausing, because apparently his hurt just needs to lash--]
Hope you find happiness with whoever. That you're not sorry with them and you can actually feel the way you want when you need to instead of hidin' being a fucking smile while breakin' up with me.
[and it's cowardly, but he's definitely-- definitely getting out as fast as he can, even if he doesn't... really have anywhere he wants to go. he'll come for his phone later. maybe some valuables too. but for now he's leaving everything but his sore and speared heart behind.]