[leo bristles the more she talks, the hand gripping tsukasa's tightening, and he slouches down a little more, expression moody over angry. he's been feeling fifteen a lot this year, especially now. don't snap, don't snap, don't snap.]
It wasn't hard being your puppet, Mom. I just wasn't happy doing it. I wanted more than just toiling at the shrine, doing extra work you'd criticized if I got anything less than what you wanted in school, and if I was that age I'd do it all again. I don't regret it one bit.
[how it went more, but actually leaving? no, no he can't regret that, then he'd be wrong.]
I'm not without a name though. Tsukinaga's the one I took, and if I've gotta adopt kids then I will... though I'm not looking to any time soon. I'm not eager to fuck up some kid's life like you guys are.
[ how ungrateful. they loved him, took care of him, raised him properly—or tried to, before he fell in with those hooligans—, gave him a home, didn't kick him out months before he actually left like they should have, for tarnishing the suzakura name in front of their peers, in front of his peers—
tsukasa is happy, she continues after taking a breath to calm down. he does everything properly, and he's happy. isn't he, she states more than asks when she looks at him, and tsukasa keeps his eyes to the ground. ]
...Yes, Mother, I'm happy. [ it isn't untrue, because he does have things to be happy about, but it's what he's told leo before, things are good enough... it's good enough. he hesitates, glancing up, and shuffles on his feet. ] But I think... I think you're being a little too harsh on Leonii. Um, Baba did the same thing, didn't she...? And she turned out just fine, so I think you should have a little more faith in Leonii, too...
[ when he can prove he's a truly responsible young man, they will, his father replies, and tsukasa frowns slightly— he should stop while he's ahead, maybe, but— ]
He came home to talk to you two while he was in the city, didn't he? He didn't have to. I think that's responsible of him—
Ha, yeah, that's enough. Like I thought you guys haven't learned a~t all what you did wrong, huh? And here I thought you might've, since you let Tsuka do more than you let me at his age.
[which. he's a little jealous of, but it's probably so tsukasa wouldn't be tempted the way leo'd been. let it be enough, with the fear of disappointment and losing home, and anyone'll be complacent. it's what rosetis does on a grander scale, though the comparison makes him feel a little sick.]
Forget it, Tsuka, It was a waste of time coming here for anything but Baba. Whatever I'd do wouldn't be enough for you anyway and you know it.
[leo knows he's running again, knows he's being childish, but they're not open to listen, he can tell. what's the point, then.]
[ what would be enough for them would be a proper apology. a pause, and then: from the both of them. leo for how his actions have reflected on him and them both here and in japan, and from tsukasa for speaking out of turn.
tsukasa shuts his mouth, shoulders hunched. leo's probably right, that they're not going to listen, but... but...... ]
...Will you two please hear him out, at least a little...? [ softly, looking down, free hand twisting the hem of his shirt. ] And Leonii, can you calm down a little...? I... I want us to talk this out like adults. Um—
[ he pauses, glances over his shoulder. ]
If it'd be easier, I can go back to Baba.
[ their parents keep their eyes on leo, but mom gives a small nod; tsukasa leans on leo briefly—he's sorry, he's sorry, but he feels like he's doing more harm than good being out here, he's so, so, so sorry, niisan, for making this harder, for ruining this—and slides his hand away.
he gives them a bow and leaves, though he just slides the door shut and sits down in the hallway, hands pressed to his face.
mom watches the door, then turns back to leo and gives him a "go on" gesture. they'll listen to whatever he has to say, and if he has any ideas for reparations—if he wants to be part of tsukasa's life again, if he wants to be part of baba's before she passes, without all of this sneaking around—they're willing to listen. ]
leo hesitates, glancing back at where tsukasa'd left, and shifts on his feet, hand going behind to twist his shirt there. he'd messed this up.]
... I know you guys were just doing what you thought was best... and that you had great expectations for me, as your firstborn... but you didn't listen to me when I needed you to. Listening now won't change things, but as long as you're willing, then I'm willing to talk.
To be honest, I've been here for three, four years now. I... didn't last that long in Japan, I got homesick, [and a lot of other things,] but I didn't want to see you. But even still, I was happy being able to do what I wanted to, finding responsibilities I could handle, that I chose to handle, instead of them being pushed on me without thinking that maybe, maybe I was just pretending to have my sh-- to have everything together, when I really didn't.
[it's all clear to tsukasa's ears, the truth of all truths, because leo's certain he's done exactly as he'd said and returned to baba... and that he hadn't had a repeat of so many years ago, listening in to a conversation he had no part in.]
I'm sorry for leaving like that. [...] And for acting out before, too, but you wouldn't really look at me until I did those kind of things, you know? For all they were, those "hooligans" saw me for me, and one of them's still my best friend in the whole world. He's a good guy. You'd like him, actually, as long as you didn't let his past stain him.
Which... is... what I wanna ask you guys. That you look at me without a stain. Baba said that I've grown up into a wonderful young man, but-- but I don't think so at all, you know? I've messed up more times than I can count, and I've always relied on myself the way you taught me, but that hasn't... that hasn't helped any. Nazu's -- that's my boyfriend, Nazuna -- made me settle a bit more, got me to rely on others, so I'm not as much as a firecracker as I was before, I promise.
[... mmm...]
I don't know what I can do to... to be part of Tsuka's life again, of Baba's before she goes, but I wanna... I want to do something. Even if I'm a poor son and a poorer brother.
as soon as three, four years drops, so does his stomach, and tsukasa slowly lowers his hands. three, four years, when leo'd told him he'd arrived just shortly before his birthday— he'd had his suspicions, certainly, but to hear it confirmed, he... he listens to the rest of it, hugging his knees.
he listens to his parents, too, and knows that it's nothing leo's going to agree to. he loves baba, he loves him, (but not enough to tell him—them—the truth, not enough to come around, not enough to not keep up some shitty, awful charade— three, four years—), but not enough to do ask they (as their father) ask, which is simply: giving that up and returning to the shrine. he can keep his boyfriend as long as he's aware it isn't something that can last; he can keep at least two piercings; he can't get in trouble; but whatever he's doing now, wherever he's staying, it has to end. he's going to become a full-time caretaker of the shrine, as the heir and as an adult.
(it's not as if their mother is entirely unsympathetic. she takes after her mother, in a way, but she also had her father. she knew when it was time to stop playing around, and she knew that there was a greater happiness waiting when one steps back past the boundary lines of life instead of dashing ahead without a care in the world. it's time to get serious, leo. she says so, reaching out to stroke his hair, eyebrows knitted together.
[it's nothing leo can agree to and he steps back, jerking his head from his mother's touch and feeling hurt sear his heart. mom might get it, just a bit, but dad?
(he thinks of how the other leo, the one in his memories of yumenosaki, said his father was one of tough love; he thinks of how that's similar now too, how his dad worries in his own way just the same as his mom, but they're not listening they don't get it they--)]
No. [firm.] I could do some of those things, but I couldn't do all of them. Giving up my freedom? My music? Coming back here, leaving Nazu to take care of his family by himself? Forget it.
[leo wouldn't mind becoming the heir again, to taking care of the shrine, but it'd never be his first priority the way they wanted it to be. he loves telling the stories he learned all his life. he loves the shrine. he loves the gods and the rituals and everything about it, it's in his blood as much as music is, as much as selfish freedom, and he just
doesn't want to choose, have it be all or nothing.]
I am serious. It's just not what you want me to be serious about.
[ then there's no helping it, dad replies. mom frowns slightly, turns— but defers, hands folded in front of her. there's no helping it, she repeats softer, voice soft, hurt at his pulling away tucked beneath it.
it's true; their dad doesn't understand, having lived a life free of that, or rather, he'd been happy to accept what came his way. working hard, finding satisfaction in that achievement, in a land (in a time) where homogeneity was celebrated. is celebrated.
if he isn't going to meet them in the middle—and this is the middle, their father continues, (and if it reminds leo a little of what tsukasa said when they first reunited, about the give and take, then that's that)—then he can leave. ]
[leo wishes his mom fought more, but. there's no helping it. he squeezes his fists and did just as he'd done that night, going to the front of the shrine and pulling open the door hard enough to shudder the walls around it--
but he turns to look back at them, biting his lip at his mother.]
... Sorry, Mom. [for hurting her, since she can understand him to a point.] Can you tell Baba that I'll visit her sometime? Whether you two want it or not, I'm gonna be part of their lives again -- I spent enough time looking away, I'm not going to anymore.
[he doesn't really expect them to, but. thought that counts.]
[ dad simply turns away, stalking off— mom casts a glance after him, and asks, one more time, why he wouldn't simply listen to them. it's the same question as so many years ago— was how they raised him so terrible? if he knows they did their best, then why would he throw it back in their faces? ]
[... at least he has an answer this time, even if he can't look her in the face.]
It wasn't terrible. It just... wasn't for me. I wasn't happy with myself living like that, and so I ran away. I wouldn't be happy if I accepted his terms, so I'm leaving. It... shouldn't be that I have to choose one or the other, you know? Maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I really am just a child, but is it wrong to want parts of both?
[leo doesn't think so. there's others in his circle that would probably think the same, and... maybe it's just a generation thing. the older you are, the more accepting of circumstances you are; the young rebel and fight with fire in their hearts, searing their paths.
mm.]
One day I'll probably settle down. Maybe I'll even regret not taking this. Who knows. But... before you start assuming Tsuka's gonna end up going the way I have, or that he'll just sit under your thumb, you should listen to him when he talks. [a beat.] He's a person too. And he's a smart one at that.
[ her lips press into a thin line, forehead creasing, before she shakes her head slowly—he hasn't been in tsukasa's life in years; he has no right to tell her anything about her son—and, stiffly, thanks him for coming by to see baba to pay his respects, and for talking with them today. ]
[leo opens his mouth to say anything at all, but he shuts it without a word. he ducks his head as he leaves, sending a text to tsukasa once he's a ways out.]
[ tsukasa, for his part, has retreated to baba's room, once leo's left; he's curled up at her side, holding his cooled tea as he listens to her soft, almost inaudible despite the quiet. he stares at the text, squeezing his drink, and carefully sets it down despite his shaking hands. ]
Okay. I'm
[ he hates lying. ]
Sort of busy, the rest of the month. I'm hanging out with my friends a lot, and there's school stuff to get, and some other things with the shrine and all, but I'll let you know when I'm free.
[nothing feels off from that to him, it's all in order... he's glad that tsukasa has friends, that he's busy with them on top of everything else. it's a relief.]
okay~ have fun, tsuka ♪ i'll see you whenever and don't forget!!! if you need help with anything in school, you can ask me ☆ i was an honor student before i skipped out, you know i'm sure i can be of some use
[it
is a lot easier to pretend to be okay over text, that he's not shaking with anger and something far sadder, that he's not heading for the nearest bar to try and forget his troubles. leo won't end up in someone's bed tonight (not for a lack of trying, really, he's faithful to the one he's with) but he won't be coming back to nazuna's place either, just... going someplace to settle and figure things out, maybe.
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It wasn't hard being your puppet, Mom. I just wasn't happy doing it. I wanted more than just toiling at the shrine, doing extra work you'd criticized if I got anything less than what you wanted in school, and if I was that age I'd do it all again. I don't regret it one bit.
[how it went more, but actually leaving? no, no he can't regret that, then he'd be wrong.]
I'm not without a name though. Tsukinaga's the one I took, and if I've gotta adopt kids then I will... though I'm not looking to any time soon. I'm not eager to fuck up some kid's life like you guys are.
[well, he tried.]
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tsukasa is happy, she continues after taking a breath to calm down. he does everything properly, and he's happy. isn't he, she states more than asks when she looks at him, and tsukasa keeps his eyes to the ground. ]
...Yes, Mother, I'm happy. [ it isn't untrue, because he does have things to be happy about, but it's what he's told leo before, things are good enough... it's good enough. he hesitates, glancing up, and shuffles on his feet. ] But I think... I think you're being a little too harsh on Leonii. Um, Baba did the same thing, didn't she...? And she turned out just fine, so I think you should have a little more faith in Leonii, too...
[ when he can prove he's a truly responsible young man, they will, his father replies, and tsukasa frowns slightly— he should stop while he's ahead, maybe, but— ]
He came home to talk to you two while he was in the city, didn't he? He didn't have to. I think that's responsible of him—
[ that's enough, tsukasa. ]
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[which. he's a little jealous of, but it's probably so tsukasa wouldn't be tempted the way leo'd been. let it be enough, with the fear of disappointment and losing home, and anyone'll be complacent. it's what rosetis does on a grander scale, though the comparison makes him feel a little sick.]
Forget it, Tsuka, It was a waste of time coming here for anything but Baba. Whatever I'd do wouldn't be enough for you anyway and you know it.
[leo knows he's running again, knows he's being childish, but they're not open to listen, he can tell. what's the point, then.]
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[ what would be enough for them would be a proper apology. a pause, and then: from the both of them. leo for how his actions have reflected on him and them both here and in japan, and from tsukasa for speaking out of turn.
tsukasa shuts his mouth, shoulders hunched. leo's probably right, that they're not going to listen, but... but...... ]
...Will you two please hear him out, at least a little...? [ softly, looking down, free hand twisting the hem of his shirt. ] And Leonii, can you calm down a little...? I... I want us to talk this out like adults. Um—
[ he pauses, glances over his shoulder. ]
If it'd be easier, I can go back to Baba.
[ their parents keep their eyes on leo, but mom gives a small nod; tsukasa leans on leo briefly—he's sorry, he's sorry, but he feels like he's doing more harm than good being out here, he's so, so, so sorry, niisan, for making this harder, for ruining this—and slides his hand away.
he gives them a bow and leaves, though he just slides the door shut and sits down in the hallway, hands pressed to his face.
mom watches the door, then turns back to leo and gives him a "go on" gesture. they'll listen to whatever he has to say, and if he has any ideas for reparations—if he wants to be part of tsukasa's life again, if he wants to be part of baba's before she passes, without all of this sneaking around—they're willing to listen. ]
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leo hesitates, glancing back at where tsukasa'd left, and shifts on his feet, hand going behind to twist his shirt there. he'd messed this up.]
... I know you guys were just doing what you thought was best... and that you had great expectations for me, as your firstborn... but you didn't listen to me when I needed you to. Listening now won't change things, but as long as you're willing, then I'm willing to talk.
To be honest, I've been here for three, four years now. I... didn't last that long in Japan, I got homesick, [and a lot of other things,] but I didn't want to see you. But even still, I was happy being able to do what I wanted to, finding responsibilities I could handle, that I chose to handle, instead of them being pushed on me without thinking that maybe, maybe I was just pretending to have my sh-- to have everything together, when I really didn't.
[it's all clear to tsukasa's ears, the truth of all truths, because leo's certain he's done exactly as he'd said and returned to baba... and that he hadn't had a repeat of so many years ago, listening in to a conversation he had no part in.]
I'm sorry for leaving like that. [...] And for acting out before, too, but you wouldn't really look at me until I did those kind of things, you know? For all they were, those "hooligans" saw me for me, and one of them's still my best friend in the whole world. He's a good guy. You'd like him, actually, as long as you didn't let his past stain him.
Which... is... what I wanna ask you guys. That you look at me without a stain. Baba said that I've grown up into a wonderful young man, but-- but I don't think so at all, you know? I've messed up more times than I can count, and I've always relied on myself the way you taught me, but that hasn't... that hasn't helped any. Nazu's -- that's my boyfriend, Nazuna -- made me settle a bit more, got me to rely on others, so I'm not as much as a firecracker as I was before, I promise.
[... mmm...]
I don't know what I can do to... to be part of Tsuka's life again, of Baba's before she goes, but I wanna... I want to do something. Even if I'm a poor son and a poorer brother.
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as soon as three, four years drops, so does his stomach, and tsukasa slowly lowers his hands. three, four years, when leo'd told him he'd arrived just shortly before his birthday— he'd had his suspicions, certainly, but to hear it confirmed, he... he listens to the rest of it, hugging his knees.
he listens to his parents, too, and knows that it's nothing leo's going to agree to. he loves baba, he loves him, (but not enough to tell him—them—the truth, not enough to come around, not enough to not keep up some shitty, awful charade— three, four years—), but not enough to do ask they (as their father) ask, which is simply: giving that up and returning to the shrine. he can keep his boyfriend as long as he's aware it isn't something that can last; he can keep at least two piercings; he can't get in trouble; but whatever he's doing now, wherever he's staying, it has to end. he's going to become a full-time caretaker of the shrine, as the heir and as an adult.
(it's not as if their mother is entirely unsympathetic. she takes after her mother, in a way, but she also had her father. she knew when it was time to stop playing around, and she knew that there was a greater happiness waiting when one steps back past the boundary lines of life instead of dashing ahead without a care in the world. it's time to get serious, leo. she says so, reaching out to stroke his hair, eyebrows knitted together.
she does understand, in her own way.) ]
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(he thinks of how the other leo, the one in his memories of yumenosaki, said his father was one of tough love; he thinks of how that's similar now too, how his dad worries in his own way just the same as his mom, but they're not listening they don't get it they--)]
No. [firm.] I could do some of those things, but I couldn't do all of them. Giving up my freedom? My music? Coming back here, leaving Nazu to take care of his family by himself? Forget it.
[leo wouldn't mind becoming the heir again, to taking care of the shrine, but it'd never be his first priority the way they wanted it to be. he loves telling the stories he learned all his life. he loves the shrine. he loves the gods and the rituals and everything about it, it's in his blood as much as music is, as much as selfish freedom, and he just
doesn't want to choose, have it be all or nothing.]
I am serious. It's just not what you want me to be serious about.
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it's true; their dad doesn't understand, having lived a life free of that, or rather, he'd been happy to accept what came his way. working hard, finding satisfaction in that achievement, in a land (in a time) where homogeneity was celebrated. is celebrated.
if he isn't going to meet them in the middle—and this is the middle, their father continues, (and if it reminds leo a little of what tsukasa said when they first reunited, about the give and take, then that's that)—then he can leave. ]
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but he turns to look back at them, biting his lip at his mother.]
... Sorry, Mom. [for hurting her, since she can understand him to a point.] Can you tell Baba that I'll visit her sometime? Whether you two want it or not, I'm gonna be part of their lives again -- I spent enough time looking away, I'm not going to anymore.
[he doesn't really expect them to, but. thought that counts.]
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It wasn't terrible. It just... wasn't for me. I wasn't happy with myself living like that, and so I ran away. I wouldn't be happy if I accepted his terms, so I'm leaving. It... shouldn't be that I have to choose one or the other, you know? Maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I really am just a child, but is it wrong to want parts of both?
[leo doesn't think so. there's others in his circle that would probably think the same, and... maybe it's just a generation thing. the older you are, the more accepting of circumstances you are; the young rebel and fight with fire in their hearts, searing their paths.
mm.]
One day I'll probably settle down. Maybe I'll even regret not taking this. Who knows. But... before you start assuming Tsuka's gonna end up going the way I have, or that he'll just sit under your thumb, you should listen to him when he talks. [a beat.] He's a person too. And he's a smart one at that.
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sorry, had to leave
let's get ice cream sometime
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Okay.
I'm
[ he hates lying. ]
Sort of busy, the rest of the month.
I'm hanging out with my friends a lot, and there's school stuff to get, and some other things with the shrine and all, but I'll let you know when I'm free.
no subject
okay~
have fun, tsuka ♪
i'll see you whenever
and don't forget!!! if you need help with anything in school, you can ask me ☆
i was an honor student before i skipped out, you know
i'm sure i can be of some use
[it
is a lot easier to pretend to be okay over text, that he's not shaking with anger and something far sadder, that he's not heading for the nearest bar to try and forget his troubles. leo won't end up in someone's bed tonight (not for a lack of trying, really, he's faithful to the one he's with) but he won't be coming back to nazuna's place either, just... going someplace to settle and figure things out, maybe.
hhhh. tsukasa's a good boy.]